Atlantic City Weddings - Elaine's Etiquette Guide

	Past Questions:
	Question: Who can Marry Us? I just want to have a quick marriage away from everybody my fiance and I, is their a justice of peace out there?
	Answer: We don't have justice's of the peace anymore in New Jersey. You need a county clerk, judge, mayor or minister. Let me know if I can help you further!
	Question: Who to Invite to Rehearsal Dinner What is the proper etiquette for who gets invited to the rehearsal dinner? My fiance and I were discussing the list and I say all relatives (aunts, uncles, grandparents) and he says just immediate family and the bridal party.
	Answer: The grooms parents traditionally host the rehearsal dinner and the guest list will always include immediate family and bridal party, and any participating ceremony people (readers, etc), but beyond that, it is totally the host and hostesses decision (hopefully consulting you!) Many people feel like they want to see the out of town guests or relatives and that is how the dinners have gotten so big. Hope that helps!
	Question: Ideas for Small Ceremony with Judge I just want a simple ceremony with the judge and my parents. Can they be the two witnesses I need? What would be appropriate to wear in his chambers? A white dress? I don't plan on a big gown. Afterwards we'll have a family dinner.
	Answer: Thank you for your recent etiquette email. I'll try to answer your questions as fully as possible. While the groom's father may serve as his best man, traditionally the bride's mother does not serve as the bride's witness or matron of honor. However, today it is common for brides and grooms to personalize their wedding ceremony with their selections, even if it's a bit untraditional. My advice to you is select witnesses/attendants who are special to you both, even if it means breaking with tradition. Regarding your choice of attire, either a white or pastel cocktail dress or suit would be appropriate.
	Question: Wedding Invitations to Coworkers I just started teaching at a new school in September (very small school...8 teachers). Should I invite them all or none? We are trying to keep it small we are on a budget?"
	Answer: Thanks for your email inquiring about your wedding guest list. While it's a nice gesture to invite co-workers to your wedding, you shouldn't feel obligated to do so. Your guest list should include those people with whom you and your fiance want to share your special day. If you're on tight budget and inviting another 8-16 people (if those invited have the option of bringing a guest) will stretch your budget to its limit, you probably should forego inviting your co-workers. Likewise, since you just started your new job, it's not likely that your co-workers will expect you to invite them to your wedding, as you may not know them well yet. I do believe that since your co-workers are such a small group, you should either invite all of them or none of them. Most likely, if your friends and co-workers know you're trying to plan a small wedding, only your family and closest friends will expect to be invited to share in the celebration. Basically, it's a judgment call on your part. Keep in mind that it's best to be consistent on this point once you and your fiance have made your decision, meaning neither you nor your fiance would include co-workers on your guest list. Also, you and your fiance might want to decide if all or none of your unmarried guests will be given the option of bringing a date.
	Question ~ Small Wedding, Large Family I am planning to have a very small and intimate wedding celebration with just immediate family and close friends. I am however from an extremely large family (67 cousins on my father's side) and have attended numerous weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, etc. My sisters would like to have a large shower for me, and say that it is fine to invite people to a bridal shower, even though they won't be invited to the wedding. Is this pushing it?
	Answer: While it's traditional for members of both the bride's and groom's families, your wedding attendants and close friends to be invited to your bridal shower, in recent years showers have become large parties. Though it wouldn't be improper to invite your extended family (cousins, etc.) to the bridal shower, most people invited to the bridal shower do expect to be invited to the wedding and reception. However, extended family members with whom you are not close may not expect a wedding invitation. A bridal shower should not be a huge extravaganza which includes every person on the wedding list. An affair such as that suggests that the bride is only interested in the gifts she receives, not in the company she shares with her guests. Remember, showers are meant to be intimate parties. My advice to you would be to speak with your sisters and be honest with them about the type of shower that would suit you. If you don't feel comfortable at large parties, let them know. You may also want to make your wishes known to your mom and your fiance's mom, so that whoever the potential hostess(es) is/are, they'll respect your feelings. Even if your bridal shower is to be a surprise, you can drop some hints as to the type of celebration you'd like. I think it would be best if your shower guest list consisted of only people who are on your wedding ceremony/reception guest list---this would avoid any awkward situations of someone being invited to one event and not the other. If you have any other questions, please feel free to email or call me again at your convenience. Best wishes to you!
	Question ~ Addressing Wedding Invitations for 2nd Wedding: My fiancee and I have both been married before. We would like a small wedding with immediate family. We would like to then have a get together after with family and close friends. How should we address the invitation? We would like friends to know we are getting married and that we are just having an informal get together at a different location after the ceremony. Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated!! Thanks
	Answer: If you're planning to hold the reception after the wedding, whether it's formal or informal, the appropriate wording for the invitation would be : [Your parents' names] request the pleasure of your company at a reception in honor of [your names] [insert location of celebration and time] If you want to use this format but issue the invitations in your names, you could substitute "celebrating our marriage" in place of "in honor of". You could also use preprinted invitations where you would just have to fill in your names and the location/time. Often with second marriages, the wedding ceremony is kept small and a large reception may follow the actually ceremony. The appropriate wording in that situation (when the reception will actually follow the ceremony) is: [Name of people issuing invitation] request the pleasure of your company at the wedding reception [if parents]\ at their wedding reception [if your names] of [insert your names if parents sending invitation] [insert day and date of reception] [insert time of reception] [insert location/address of reception] R.S.V.P.
	Question ~ Wedding Invitations to Cousins What is the proper etiquette regarding invitations to cousins. We have a large list of cousins - some closer than others. Is it considered obligatory to invite all cousins or no cousins. Can there be a reasonable cut off such as age?
	Answer: It is customary to invite cousins to your wedding celebration. Though it's not obligatory to invite every cousin, it would be a nice gesture to do so, after all they are closely related to you and your fiance. In large families, often times only those cousins with whom you are very close emotionally or close to in age are invited. If you are not planning to invite children, in general, to your wedding, then it may be appropriate to invite only those cousins over a certain age. However, it's a tough balancing act deciding where to draw the line among your family members and not offending anyone. My advice would be to err on the side of inviting all your cousins and letting them decide how to respond to the invitation. If they don't feel very close to you or are far away geographically, they may decline to attend. But this way you haven't excluded any immediate family members or hurt anyone's feelings. It's easier to draw the line on limiting your guest list when it comes to acquaintances such as coworkers, etc. I hope this helps you handle your dilemma. If you have any other concerns, feel free to email me or call me again at your convenience.
	Question ~ Bridal Showers & Wedding Invitations My family recently threw me a rather large bridal shower. Most of the people there were extended family that I have not seen since I was very young. I was not aware that they would be invited, or that they would be present. I can not invite all of the people who were at my shower to the wedding. I am on a tight budget, and myself and my fiancee have large families on both sides. I feel so rude and improper for not inviting everyone who was at the shower to the wedding, especially since they gave me gifts. What should I do? I know people will be offended, including my aunts who gave me the shower. Thanks.
	Answer: Thanks for your email inquiry about bridal showers and wedding invitations. Although most guests who are invited to a bridal shower do expect to be invited to the wedding and reception, you shouldn't feel obligated to do so. If at all possible, you may want to err on the side of inviting as many of your extended family as your budget allows and perhaps trying to trim down the list of friends to be invited. if your extended family doesn't live nearby, they may decide not to travel to attend your wedding. Another suggestion may be to let your aunts who threw the bridal shower for you and the rest of your extended family know that your wedding budget is quite limited. Perhaps then they won't feel slighted if they don't receive a wedding invitation. Also, maybe if you discuss this with your parents and your fiance's parents, they may be inclined to help you with your wedding planning budget. My last suggestion would be to throw an informal party or gathering after your wedding (it could even be after you return from your honeymoon) where you include all those family and friends you weren't able to invite to your wedding due to budget constraints. Everyone will still enjoy getting together to wish you and your new husband well!
	Question ~ Who can host a Bridal Shower Is it proper for the groom's mother to host a bridal shower if the bride has only a daughter in law to do it?
	Answer: Thanks for your recent email inquiry regarding bridal showers. Traditionally immediate members of the bride's and groom's family should not give the bridal shower. This includes moms, grandmothers and sisters. The traditional rule was that showers should be given by aunts, cousins, members of the bridal party or close friends of the bride and groom. However, many people have chosen not to follow this traditional rule and today showers are often hosted by immediate family members. This is especially true today when a bride is given several showers, often by family and friends or co-workers. In fact, my bridal shower was given by my mother-in-law to be. So I would say if the groom's mother would like to give the bridal shower and doesn't feel uncomfortable breaking with tradition, then by all means she should feel free to do so. I think the best thing is to do what makes you and the bridal couple feel comfortable.
	Question ~ Who can walk me down the aisle if my father is deceased? Would it be inappropriate to have my 18 yr old be my Maid of honor and my 14 yr old son walk me down the aisle? my father is deceased. This is my 3rd marriage and the grooms first. How about a destination wedding with just the kids? Cruise ship wedding?
	Thanks for your email inquiry about selecting the members of your bridal party. I believe it's not only very appropriate to ask your children to be part of your bridal party, but I think it would be a wonderful gesture to unify you and your children with your future husband. In my opinion, having your son escort you down the aisle and your daughter being your maid of honor would make your children feel honored by having them participate in the ceremony (instead of just attending) and would show that your respect their feelings. If your mother is still living, you may ask your son if he and your mom would like to escort you down the aisle, including both generations in this tradition. I think a destination or cruise ship wedding would be a great idea. This way you can combine the wedding with a family vacation. If you'd like, you could even ask a few close family members to join you on your trip, unless you just want to limit the wedding to yourselves and your children. Whatever you decide, it's up to you and your fiance. You need to decide what type of wedding (traditional or destination) is your taste and what suits your family's situation. Either way, I'm sure you'll all enjoy celebrating your marriage! Best of luck to you!
	Question ~ What is the appropriate amount to spend on a wedding gift if you are not able to attend the wedding? I was invited to a coworkers wedding, but am unable to attend. I would like to send a gift. How much is customary in this situation. What is proper etiquette in not attending the wedding?
	Answer: There are no guidelines regarding what is the appropriate amount to spend on a wedding gift. Instead, this is up to each guest's discretion, based on how close they feel their relationship is with the bride and/or groom and the guest's personal budget. In my opinion, it would be appropriate to spend between $30 to $50 on a coworker's wedding gift. Of course, if this coworker is a very close friend of yours and if your budget allows, you may decide to spend more. It's your judgment call. Some suggestions that would make thoughtful wedding gifts, especially if you don't know your coworker very well, are: photo frames and/or albums for wedding portraits or honeymoon photos; cookbooks; scrapbook supplies, if you think your coworker and new spouse would enjoy making a scrapbook about their engagement/wedding/honeymoon; blank journal books that they could record details of their honeymoon; gift baskets filled with items for a gourmet dinner the newlyweds could make on their first night in their new home; any item in your price range from their bridal registry; and, of course, gift certificates or cash gifts.
	Question ~ Attire for the groom's father What is the proper attire for the grooms father? I think a tux is in order he claims that a suit would suffice.
	Answer: Although there is no rule set in stone about what the groom's father should wear, generally speaking the groom's father should dress in the same manner as the other men in the bridal party, even though he likely has no active part in the wedding. If the bride's father, groom and his attendants are all wearing tuxedos, and both the mother of the bride and of the groom are wearing formal gowns, then it would be preferable for the groom's father to also wear a tuxedo. An appropriate substitute for the tuxedo would be a dark, formal suit. However, keep in mind the type of wedding you're planning and the time of the wedding will likely control your decision about attire. If you're planning a morning or early afternoon wedding and reception, it would be appropriate for the groom's father to wear a dark formal suit. If you're planning an evening affair, even if it's not a black tie function, the groom's father could wear a dark suit or a tuxedo. Whatever your decision, it's probably best for you and your fiance to be in agreement on it before opening the subject with your father-in-law to be. This should help to minimize any hard feelings.
	Question ~ How can I ask my stepfather to walk me down the aisle without hurting my father's feelings? My step-father and my father have both been greatly involved in the planning of my wedding. My father and I were estranged for many years, and my step father was pretty much the only father I had. How can I tell my biological father that I am having my step father give me away at my wedding without hurting his feelings?
	Answer: The situation you're in, having your stepfather give you away at your wedding, could be quite delicate. My suggestion for handling your situation would be to ask your father to perform or handle some other aspect of your wedding. By asking him to do some special task, he'll feel included rather than excluded and is likely to not be offended that your stepfather will be walking you down the aisle. You can schedule some private time with your father so you can have a heart-to-heart talk and express your wishes that he perform some other special wedding related task. This may not only help to diffuse the situation, but may help to build a bridge between your father and stepfather, if neither man feels they've been hurt in this situation. Another possible solution would be to have both men escort you to the altar, signifying that each is important to you and a part of your life. Whichever way you handle the situation, as long as you make your wishes known to both your stepfather and father, I'm sure they'll honor your wishes to help make your wedding day memorable.
	Question ~ Can you wear white if you've been married previously and have children? My fiance is divorced..I had two kids out of wedlock 4 years ago. from my ex. We just got engaged. My grandma is saying I cannot wear white because I had kids and cannot get married in church because he was married. She says we have to go to a justice of the peace. Is this so? Should I be punished for my mistake?
	Answer: The short and sweet answer is you can wear whatever color dress would make you happiest. So even if your family thinks it's taboo or untraditional, you could wear white if you'd like. Soft pastel colors or off-white are preferable to pure white for second marriages , white is acceptable when worn with colored accessories. For both second marriages and brides with children out of wedlock, it is recommended that the bride not wear a veil. As for the issue of getting married in a church, that's something you'll need to discuss with your clergy person. Your church may have specific guidelines about performing ceremonies for second marriages. I trust this information answered your questions. If you need additional information, feel free to email me again at your convenience. Best wishes to you!
	Question ~ How much is appropriate for the mother-in-law to be to spend on the bridal shower gift? And the wedding gift? My ex and I are contributing to the wedding expense.
	There is no rule about the appropriate amount for any guest to spend on a bridal shower gift. Generally, the gift selection is limited only by the guest's imagination, taste and budget. Also, generally speaking, a bridal shower gift should not be as elaborate or as expensive as what you'd spend for a wedding gift. As for the wedding gift, both the bride's and groom's family often give gifts for their new household. For example, the groom's parents may give the couple china, crystal or other furnishings for the new home. Again, there's no set guideline for the amount each family should spend on the gift. But for sentimental reasons, a gift that will be used and enjoyed by the couple for many years is more valuable to the bride and groom. Keep in mind the general rule for any gift-giving is that it's the thought that counts, not the dollar amount spent.
	Question ~ Inviting Coworkers to the Wedding I can't decide what to do about inviting coworkers. By the time I get married, I'll have worked with them for 1 1/2 yrs. The office is about 12 people and we all work closely together. But of course spouses would need tobe invited too. People know about my wedding and often ask me how the planning is going, etc. They have all been invited to each other's weddings, and I don't know what to do. Adding 24 people is a lot, especially when our guest list right now is about 130. I feel like inviting them to the ceremony only is rude. Any advice?
	You should not feel obligated to invite your coworkers to your wedding just because they've all invited each other to their weddings. This is especially so if budgetary or space/seating constraints are an issue. Nor should your coworkers expect to be automatically invited. Generally, if you invite all your coworkers your fiance should do likewise. Often, inviting both the bride's and groom's coworkers greatly increases the wedding expenses. You and your fiance should discuss this issue together and be consistent in your actions, whichever way you decide. So if you're not inviting anyone from your fiance's office, your coworkers shouldn't be invited either. Perhaps when your coworkers ask you how your wedding plans are proceeding, you can briefly mention your budgetary or space constraints. They'll then understand not to expect an invitation.
	Question - Proper Attire for a Semi-Formal Wedding Is it o.k. for the bride (Mexican American) to wear a semi-formal wedding dress & tiara and the groom (African American) to wear a shirt (Mexican shirt) and pants to their wedding. I am just concerned that he is too under dressed and disrespecting his culture.
	Generally, for a semi-formal wedding, the groom will wear a dark suit or a tuxedo. If it's customary in the groom's culture to wear other attire, that would be acceptable as well. What you might want to suggest is that your fiance wear a dark suit or tuxedo and accompanied by accessories from his cultural background to incorporate the two, mirroring the semi-formal nature of your attire while respecting his cultural traditions too.
	Question - Asking Guests to Mail Gifts My friend is having her wedding in Mexico and wants to insert a card with the invitations letting her guests know to send the gifts to her home. Because it would be difficult to transport the gifts back to the US and they would be checked though customs and unwrapped. It would be easier for everyone. How can we do this?
	You can handle this issue by having a separate card printed to be included with the invitation, response card, etc. The card may simply state that for the guest's traveling convenience, since the wedding is outside the U.S., the bride and groom encourage guests to send any wedding gifts to the couple's new address. This can be accomplished by using an "at home" card, indicating your new address and the date you will be available there. Another alternative may be to print a card insert requesting guests make a contribution to a designated charity in your honor, in lieu of transporting a gift. Any card(s) to be sent with the invitation should face the envelope's flap and placed in front of the invitation itself, unless it's a folded invitation then the insert cards are placed within the fold.
	Question ~ If you call off the wedding do your return the Bridal Shower Gifts? I was planning to get married this month & called it off today. I had a Bridal shower at work. Do I return the gifts I received?
	When a wedding is cancelled at the last minute, yes the gifts must be returned as soon as possible. If the wedding is just postponed, because of a death or illness in the family, you do not have to return the gifts, even if the wedding is not rescheduled immediately.
	Question ~ Who can walk down the aisle with the bride if the bride's father is deceased. My husband's best friend died several years ago and his daughter (who is getting married in August) has asked my husband to walk her down the aisle. When the time comes to respond to "who gives this woman to be married to this man", how should my husband answer? Also, should my husband sit with her mother during the ceremony or sit with me?
	The bride's mother, if still living, should respond "I do". She may step forward to respond or answer while seated in the pew. If both the bride's parents are deceased, then it would be appropriate for your husband to reply. As for the seating, if you both are very close with the bride's family, you could be seated at the parents' table. While seating assignments are usually decided by the bride and groom, you may want to discuss your concern about the seating arrangements ahead of time if being seated at the parents' table would be awkward for you.
	Question ~ Who is responsible for paying for the bridesmaids' hair and makeup on the day of the wedding? I know that the Bridesmaids are responsible for buying their dresses...but who is responsible for paying for their hair/makeup the day of the wedding? As the bride is that my responsibility or should they pay for it themselves?
	The bridal attendants are expected to purchase their attire and all necessary accessories. However, it would be a nice gesture if you paid for their hair stylist/make-up artist, although this is not obligatory. If budgetary constraints prohibit this, you need not offer to pay for their hair/make-up services.
	Question ~ Inviting guests to bridal shower who are invited to the wedding reception, but not the wedding ceremony - My son and his fiance are planning a small wedding with family and just a few friends but a large reception. Friends would like to host a shower but is it appropriate to invite friends to the shower that will not be invited to the wedding but will be invited to the reception? Thank you.
	It's not unusual for the wedding ceremony to be private, with a large reception following it. While traditionally this occurs when the marriage would be a second marriage for the bride or groom, these days it also can be because of space constraints. If, for example, the ceremony location can accommodate only a small number of guests but the reception location can accommodate a much larger group, you can let it be known that while you are limited in space to an intimate group (small group) at the ceremony, you'll be able to include a larger number in the reception celebration. So the long and the short of it is, yes I think it would be appropriate for those friends attending the reception only to host a shower for your daughter-in-law-to-be and/or your son if they wish. After all, the shower is supposed to be a happy occasion to honor the happy couple and wish them well.
	Question ~ Who holds the bridal shower? It is my understanding that the future mother-in-law of the bride is not the one to give a bridal shower, but instead the responsibility of a sister or friend.. True?
	Traditionally immediate members of the bride's or groom's family should not give the bridal shower. Possible hostesses for the bridal shower include aunts, cousins, members of the bridal party, coworkers and friends of either the bride or groom. However, that doesn't mean that bridal showers have not been hosted by immediate family members. Sometimes immediate family members co-host the bridal shower with members of the bridal party, for example. These days, anything goes and you can choose to follow the tradition or not.
	Question ~ For a second wedding, can you invite people who attended the first wedding to the reception? Help...I am getting married for the second time, in March, and we are having a small ceremony and a large reception. My family lives in lower Michigan and the reception will be held in Upper Michigan. I am not sure what to do about sending the invitations. Also, this is my future husbands first wedding, my question is...Do I sent invitations for the reception to my relatives that attended my first, or does that just seem like an ask for gifts...
	Even though this is your second wedding, you should send invitations to all your family members to include them in this joyous occasion. I don't think your family will interpret the invitations as a solicitation for a wedding gift, but rather expressing your wish that they share in your special day as you and your fiance begin your married life together.
	What is proper attire for an evening wedding? My niece is being married Jan.5 in Jacksonville, FL at 5:30 PM. The wedding is formal--maybe white tie. The reception is being held at the Sheraton Hotel. What is proper attire for a woman? Can you wear a sequins suit? Isn't this considered a daytime wedding since it is before six?
	Even though the wedding is scheduled for 5:30p.m., it would still be considered an evening wedding. For a formal evening wedding, women guests should wear long or short dresses (whichever you are more comfortable in); for a semiformal evening wedding, women guests should wear cocktail dresses. On the other hand, when attending a formal daytime wedding women guests should wear street-length cocktail or afternoon dresses. My personal opinion is that a cocktail dress is the best option for a semi-formal or formal wedding, whether afternoon or evening, as most women find cocktail dresses more comfortable than full length evening gowns and less cumbersome for dancing. But if you're in the mood to be glamorous, go ahead and wear an elegant evening gown. If you haven't received the wedding invitation yet, wait until you do to see if the invitation specifies black tie or gives any other indication of the formality of the ceremony and reception.
	Can you invite guests to the ceremony only and not the reception? We have lots of friends within the church family. Is it appropriate to invite these folks to the ceremony only and not the reception which follows at another destination. (ie: mountain resort)?
	Thanks for your recent etiquette question. In response, I would say that most often those guests invited to the wedding ceremony should also be invited to attend the reception. But it is possible to invite people just to the ceremony. Sometimes, rather than having a separate reception card printed to be included with the wedding invitation, the invitation itself would read "...an afterward at the reception [location}" or "...reception immediately following ceremony" to let guests know they're invited to attend both the ceremony and the reception. But when the guest list for the ceremony is larger than the list for the reception, a separate card is enclosed with the wedding invitation for those who are to be invited to the reception. Such a separate reception card may read "Reception immediately following the ceremony [location]". I'm sure your stationer can show you several samples of these types of reception cards with sample wording. One word of caution though, don't be surprised if some members of your church family come to the reception, even if a separate reception card isn't included with the invitation. These days many guests presume that if they're invited to the ceremony the invitation extends to the reception afterwards as well.
	What is the proper attire for a "fairly formal" afternoon wedding? I live in southwest Florida and am attending a fairly formal afternoon wedding in mid-October. Reception at a lavish golf club resort. What is proper attire?
	Based on your description of the wedding as "fairly formal," I would probably err on the side of dressing more formally. For a formal daytime wedding or semiformal evening wedding, appropriate attire for women guests includes street-length cocktail or afternoon dresses; for a formal evening wedding, it would be appropriate to wear a long or short dress. My opinion is that a cocktail dress is appropriate for almost any type of wedding. The wedding invitation itself should give you some indication as to the degree of formality of the event. If the wedding is black tie or black tie optional, then you may want to consider wearing a long gown.
	Is it improper for the mother of the groom to wear an ivory colored dress? I would appreciate it as the father of the groom and in the middle of this, if you could settle an argument that is brewing. Is it an affront or improper for the mother of the groom to wear an ivory colored dress? Is it the brides choice even after she has said you would look fine in anything you select? This is a formal wedding the bride is wearing a white dress the Ivory has a good deal of color so it is perhaps a 15-20% off white. Thank you for your trouble.
	Generally, this decision is one for the mother of the bride. While she may discuss her possible choices with her daughter, it is up to the mother of the bride to select the style and formality of her dress. As a courtesy, the mother of the bride should discuss her possible selections with the mother of the groom before finalizing her decision, but it is not obligatory. Once the mother of the bride makes her decision, she should let the mother of the groom know, who should then choose a dress in a similar style or length. The receiving line, if you plan on having one, looks much nicer if both of the mothers' dresses are of similar length and in complementary colors. Most mothers tend to choose solid, pastel tones, but this depends on the mothers' taste as well as which colors suit their complexion. So traditionally it is not the bride's choice, but the mother of the bride's. If the mother of the bride has chosen a soft pastel colored dress, perhaps even ivory, it would be appropriate for the mother of the groom to wear a shade of ivory/off-white as well. If the mother of the bride has selected a more bold color, perhaps your wife could consider another, brighter color that would be suitable for her complexion too. I hope this answers your question and resolves any family squabbles.
	What is the proper attire for a boat wedding? My daughter and her fiance wish to marry on a schooner (captain to perform wedding) at sunset off Key West, FL. I would like us to dress as formally as possible. What is usual form of dress.
	The most formal attire the mother of the bride can wear is a long evening gown/dinner dress or a cocktail dress. This applies to both formal daytime and evening weddings. Since the ceremony is on a boat, you may want to opt for the cocktail dress, but that's just my personal preference. The decision is up to you. Whatever you decide, enjoy selecting your dress!
	Second Wedding Questions... Help. I am getting married for the second time in September 2003. My parents have not been supportive of the wonderful man in my life. Too old not enough money... the usual. Is it inappropriate to not have my father walk me. Could I have my son who will be 11 when I marry. He has a wonderful relationship with my husband to be. I don't want to hurt my father. Also is there a site or book or place with information with planning a second wedding.
	In response to your concern, there is no set rule on who should escort a bride down the aisle. Traditionally, the bride is escorted by a male and usually it's the father of the bride. However, you need not follow this tradition. I think it would be very nice to include your son as part of the wedding ceremony. Perhaps a compromise would be to have both your father and your son escort you, so no one is offended. As for your question on planning a second wedding, you'll find an informative article posted on the Atlantic City Weddings website which should be helpful to you. To read the article please visit www.atlanticcityweddings.com/articles/secondweddings.htm.
	*If you call off the wedding do your return the Shower Gifts? What if some of the gifts have been returned?...* My 31 year old sister got engaged rather hastily 3 months ago. Now, two weeks after the wedding shower, she's backing out (and wisely so, IMHO) My question is what IS the proper etiquette for returning gifts?!? She got LOTS of stuff, some pretty generic, some very unique, some cash/checks/etc. Most from family...what does one write in the "thank yous"? and how do you go about returning gifts bought through a dept store registry...would it be improper to send a check for the amount of the gift (if it's already been returned, as in the case of duplicates) plus tax? TIA for any help!! Distressed Sis
	Dear Distressed Sis: Thanks for your recent email question. It's always a delicate situation when a wedding is cancelled, but I'll try to answer your question as completely as possible. It is proper etiquette to return all the wedding gifts, and I would say this includes bridal shower gifts as well. Your sister should try to return all the gifts, including the monetary gifts, as soon as possible. The notes your sister should send are not typical thank you notes. While she can thank the guest for attending the shower and for their kind gift, she may want to simply acknowledge the gift and explain she'll be returning it as the wedding has been cancelled. It may seem awkward, but returning the gifts is the right thing to do. As for duplicate or unwanted gifts your sister has returned to the store, keep in mind that the refund amount your sister received may not be the same amount the guest paid, if the item was bought at a different store or was on sale when your sister returned it. Hope this helps you in your dilemma.
	Attire for a Wedding on a Boat... My daughter and her fiance wish to marry on a schooner (captain to perform wedding) at sunset off Key West, FL. I would like us to dress as formally as possible. What is usual form of dress.
	The most formal attire the mother of the bride can wear is a long evening gown/dinner dress or a cocktail dress. This applies to both formal daytime and evening weddings. Since the ceremony is on a boat, you may want to opt for the cocktail dress, but that's just my personal preference. The decision is up to you. Whatever you decide, enjoy selecting your dress!
	Amount to Spend on a Wedding Gift... What is the proper amount to spend on a wedding gift? I am a single mother and plan to bring my 3 young children to the wedding and dinner.
	Thanks for your recent email question. There is no set amount on what a guest should spend for a wedding gift. That decision depends upon your taste as well as your budget. I would guesstimate that most wedding guests today probably spend approximately $50 on a gift, but again that varies based on each person's budget. If you're inclined, you may want to consider making a gift for the bride and groom. Handmade items such as needlepoint, knitted or crocheted afghans, for example, make lovely gifts that will be treasured by the couple for years to come. These items are often relatively inexpensive to make, though they do require some time to complete. Whatever you decide to give the couple as a gift, it may be cliche but it is truly the thought that counts and I'm sure the couple will think of you fondly when they use your gift.
	Seating at a Wedding... Where should I sit at the wedding of my fiancee's daughter? Next to him? Behind him? What's proper?
	As a general rule, the father of the bride sits in the pew behind the mother of the bride, if the bride's parents are divorced. If the parents of the bride have since remarried, it is appropriate for their new spouses to be seated with them. However, if there are ill feelings between the divorced parents of the bride, the second wife can be seated with the bride's father if the bride so wishes, unless the bride's mother would be strongly offended by this. If so, it would probably be more tactful for the second wife to sit farther back in the church with another family member of friend. Although you're the father of the bride's fiancee, I would think these general guidelines would also apply. If there is no bitterness between the divorced parents and the bride asks you to sit with her dad, then I think it would be fine for you to be seated with him in the pew behind the mother of the bride and her spouse, if she's remarried. Otherwise, if the bride's mother objects or the whole situation becomes too awkward, you may feel more comfortable sitting elsewhere in the church with other family members. It sounds like this is a situation best discussed with you, your fiancee and the bride-to-be to see how best to resolve the situation without offending anyone.
	*Is it appropriate to wear a veil in the Catholic church?...* Is it appropriate to wear a veil in the catholic church when getting married?
	There is no set rule on wearing a veil. Generally speaking, the veil is optional whether you're planning a formal or informal wedding. So my suggestion would be to follow your own preference. You may also want to check with the priest of your church to see if there are any religious requirements concerning the veil.
	*Alternative to the Best Man...I'm a woman and have been asked to stand up for my best friend at his wedding...* My best friend is getting married in a couple of years, and has asked me to stand up for him on the big day. I'm thrilled and honored to have been asked and eagerly accepted. The only problem is I'm a woman and my best friend is a guy. Is this acceptable, and if so, what should I wear, etc?
	Although it's traditional for the bride's attendant to be a female and the groom's a male, this isn't something written in stone. I think it's wonderful that your friend the groom doesn't feel bound by conventional traditions! Several years ago, a very close woman friend of mine asked one of our male friends to be her attendant. Likewise, the groom's best friend was a woman and he asked her to be his attendant. It was a beautiful ceremony and not at all awkward. In fact, it was refreshing. So while this may not be widespread, it has been done. As for attire, your selection should be based on the formality of the wedding. At my friend's wedding, for example, both attendants wore formal suits since it was an afternoon wedding. Talk with the bride and groom and see what they have in mind as well. Whatever you decide to wear, enjoy the day as it's always an honor to be part of a friend's wedding!
	*Stepmother Attire Question* My step daughter is marrying at 7:00 p.m. with 4 bridal attendants. Is it proper for me to wear a long dress? I do not know what the mother of the bride is wearing.
	If your stepdaughter's evening wedding is to be a formal or semi-formal affair, then it would be appropriate for you to wear a long gown. If it's an informal evening wedding, then your dress should be the same length as the bride's. However, I would strongly recommend that you discuss dress styles in general with the bride's mother before buying your dress. I think it's appropriate for you to defer to the mother of the bride, who in turn should select her attire based on the tone of the event as set by the bride. So if it's a formal affair and the mother of the bride chooses a long gown, you could follow suit. I think it would be awkward if your dress was more formal than the mother of the bride's. Keep in mind these are just guidelines. Your selection should reflect not only the tone of the event, but your taste and style as well! Hope you find this information to be helpful.
	*Choosing Bridal Shower Gifts* Should I choose the bridal shower gift from the wedding registry or should I just get a gift of my choice?
	Simply put, you're not limited in your bridal shower gift selection. While bridal registries are helpful because they give guests an idea of what items the bride and groom need, you should not feel obligated to stick to that list. Merely use that list as your guide. If you are a close friend of the couple and know their interests/hobbies, you may want to give a gift that both of them can use, even if it is for the bridal shower. Remember, it may be cliche, but it's true...it's the thought that counts! Happy shopping!
	*Addressing Invitations* If the groom-to-be is not an ordained minister, is it proper to say: We request your presence at the wedding of Jane Doe to Minister John Smith
	The simple answer is men who are customarily referred to by their titles should have them included in their wedding invitations. So if the groom is customarily called "Minister John Smith," then that's how the invitation should read. Hope this answers your question.
	*Canceled Wedding* My daughter just cancelled her wedding. What should we do about the bridesmaids dresses. They are not returnable. Should we offer to pay for them? Thanks for your response.
	Thanks for your recent email. So sorry to hear about the change in your daughter's wedding plans. Although it's not obligatory, it would be a nice gesture to pay for the bridesmaids' dresses. Best wishes to you.
	*Can you have a monetary shower instead of a bridal shower?* I am 28 years old and have been living on my own for five years. Needless to say I have everything and anything I could possibly need in terms of household items, linens, etc.. My fiance and I both come from very large families and the thought of 100 bridal shower gifts frightens me. I do not want a bridal shower. I was told it is not up to me, that a shower would be held in my honor. Recently my Mother asked me for feedback on the subject and I told her I don't want one and I would rather her help me pay for something else for the "big day". Is this wrong. She seems to think I have to have one. Is there such a thing as a Monetary Shower. Please help.
	Thanks for your emailed etiquette question and congratulations on your engagement. I know large bridal showers can seem overwhelming, but remember they are meant to be gatherings where your family and friends can wish you well prior to your wedding. However, if you really don't want a bridal shower, you should make this clear not only to you mother, but your fiance's mother, your close friends and those people you've asked to be in your wedding party. Maybe they'll heed your request, but it's not wrong to not want a bridal shower...it's just a matter of personal preference. To answer your second question, it's in poor taste to call a bridal shower a "monetary shower." Though often guests do give monetary gifts, it's not appropriate to specifically request that as a present. A themed bridal shower can be planned. Examples of shower themes include: brunch or formal teas; pantry shower; lingerie shower; round-the-clock shower (each guest has a specific hour of the day noted on their invitation and their gift is to be appropriate for that hour); gardening shower; recipe shower; paper shower or a wishing well shower (each guest brings an additional gift of little cost to be placed in the wishing well and to help bride furnish household). Of course, the theme is only limited by the hostess' imagination. Hope this answers your questions and solves your dilemma.
	Addressing Invitations... How do I put junior and senior on separate invites? Do I right John Doe, Sr. or John Doe, Senior?
	It is entirely appropriate to use the abbreviations "Jr." and "Sr. "when addressing invitation envelopes. In fact, that's how it's most commonly done.
	Seating Arrangements for Divorced Parents My daughter is getting married in June and her father and I are recently divorced. The groom's parents are also divorced. Both of the fathers have "friends" and neither of the mothers have a significant person in their lives. How is the seating in the church and in the reception? My daughter has said that she wants her family sitting together and his family sitting together, but I have to admit that this will be awkward for me. First and foremost I want my daughter's wedding to be all that she's ever dreamed of.
	Your question does present an awkward situation. First of all, I think it's great that you're focusing on helping your daughter have her dream wedding. I'll try to answer your question as best as possible. If the bride's divorced parents are on friendly terms, the bride's mother sits in the front pew on the left side of the aisle and the bride's father would sit in the next pew back with his new wife. If the divorced parents' relationship is bitter, the father of the bride would still sit in the pew immediately behind the bride's mother, but his new wife may find it more comfortable to sit farther back in the church. The same applies for the groom's divorced parents, except of course they are seated on the right side of the aisle. I realize the fathers of the bride and groom haven't remarried, but you may still want to follow this general rule of thumb. As for the reception seating, the parents' table usually includes the parents of both the bride and groom, the grandparents, the officiant and his/her spouse and the godparents. This is just a guideline and need not be followed. For example, at my wedding, our families are so large we chose to seat our parents with some of our aunts and uncles. Probably the best solution, for resolving the church and reception seating, is to speak candidly with your daughter and son-in-law-to-be about your concerns. I'm sure you can find some common ground that will keep everyone happy and avoid any awkward moments.
	Is it proper etiquette to get married in the bride's home state? I was born and raised in Texas and my boyfriend was raised in Oregon. Well I have a huge family and I have always wanted to get married in Texas. He is 100% against it and I don't what to do. Is it proper etiquette to get married in the bride's home state?
	The location of a wedding is not based on etiquette, but rather tradition. Since traditionally the bride's parents hosted the wedding and paid for most of the expenses, the wedding's location was traditionally the bride's home town. Although today, the groom's parents often contribute towards the wedding's costs and sometimes the bride and groom foot the entire wedding bill, it's still traditional to have the wedding in the bride's home city/state. Of course, an alternative is to choose a neutral location. You could plan a destination wedding/honeymoon or plan the wedding in a state that holds fond memories for both of you. I've seen both done.
	Do you have a bridal shower for someone if they are getting married for the third time and already have everything? Hello. I am wondering what the gift is, if any on my mother-in-laws 3rd wedding, his first. She has already had 2 huge weddings, and since she needs to be the center of attention, she is having a 3rd huge wedding. The groom doesn't really want one. They are both in there 50's, and personally I don't think we should give them a monetary gift. I think a nice photo album or something engraved, (a picture frame) Nothing too huge. And she also feels that myself, and her 2 daughters need to throw her a shower. Now, this to me is a bit much. I will not even attend, let alone throw her a shower. They both had homes of there own, and now she is expecting a shower. And to top it all off, she wants a personal shower as well. This is just way out of line. Please email me back ASAP, with your thoughts, because the wedding is the first part of May. Thank you so much for your time!
	I understand your concerns, but remember a bridal shower is meant to be a gathering of intimate friends and family to wish the bride well. Whatever you choose to give your mother-in-law at her shower, I'm sure she'll appreciate the thought behind it. There's no set rule on what should be given as a shower gift. I think your ideas of giving a photo album or engraved frame would be great. They're sentimental and practical at the same time, plus usually not too pricey. Hope this answers your question. Good luck and best wishes to you.
	Inviting guests to the wedding ceremony but not to the wedding reception... A friend has asked me this question and I am not sure of the proper answer. Her daughter is getting married in August. They are on a limited budget and can only afford to have 200 people at the reception. But, they would like everyone to attend the wedding if they would like. How do you invite folks to the wedding without including them for the reception? Thanks!
	The simple answer is that when the guest list for the ceremony excess that for the reception, a separate card is enclosed with the wedding invitation for those guests who are invited to the reception as well. The use of a separate reception card sets it apart from the combined wedding invitation which informs guests that the reception immediately follows the ceremony. I'm sure the printer your friend plans to order the invitations from can assist in the format and wording. Of course, keep in mind that often these days a combined invitation is used. So there's always a chance that a guest who receives the wedding invitation without the enclosed reception card may presume they're invited to the reception as well. It may be best for the bride, groom and their families to casually mention to their friends (I'm presuming that all family members would be invited to attend both ceremony and reception that budgetary and space constraints limit the number of guests to be invited to the reception. It may help avoid confusion and hurt feelings.
	Resort Wedding Attire We will be going to a resort. The suggested apparel for a special dinner is evening resort attire. What does this mean? Would a little black dress be appropriate or do you have suggestions? Thanks
	Thanks for your recent emailed question. Sounds like your destination wedding will be lovely. As for the appropriate attire, a little black dress would be great. My opinion is that "evening resort attire" would include a cocktail dress, a dressy suit or 2 piece ensemble. Resort attire is usually less formal, so I don't think a long dress or gown would be appropriate. The choice is yours, depending on what you feel most comfortable with.
	Grandparent's Attire I would like to know can Grandparent's of the Bride wear a dressy Pant suit or is more proper to wear a long dress that blends in with the colors of the Bridesmaid.
	The best answer I can give you is to take your que for selecting your attire from the formality of your grandchild's wedding. If it's an informal wedding, it would be appropriate to wear a cocktail dress or dressy suit. If it's a more formal wedding, even if it's a daytime ceremony, you could wear either a long dress, a cocktail dress or formal suit. You may want to wear the same length dress as the mother of the bride and mother of the groom. As for the color, it needn't blend with the bridesmaids' dresses. You may want to discuss your color selection with your grandchild. I'm sure he/she would enjoy being part of this process.
	Mother of the Bride's Attire Is it proper to for the mother of the bride to wear an ivory colored dress?
	Long ago, it was considered inappropriate for anyone to wear white or ivory to a wedding except for the bride herself. These days, that's no longer true. My opinion is it's entirely appropriate for you to wear an ivory dress to your daughter's wedding, especially if this color suits your complexion. I'm sure your daughter would enjoy helping you in selecting your dress style and color so enjoy shopping together!
	Addressing Invitations My roommate is getting married in May and is writing out the invitations. A relative recently lost her husband and my roommate is not sure how to address the invitation. Should it say "and guest" or just the widow's name? Also, what age do you generally stop putting the children's names on the parent's invitation if they are still living at home? There are a few that are in their mid to late 20s. Should they get their own invitation instead?
	Concerning your first question, the invitation to the widow should be addressed in her name only (ex.: Mrs. ......). Since she was recently widowed, this may not apply but if your roommate knows she currently has a significant other, then she may address the inner envelope "Mrs. .... and guest". With regard to your second question, children over the age of 13 should receive separate invitations. so in your roommate's case, separate invitations should be sent to those adult children living with their parents.
	Wedding Program Wording I am getting married very soon and would like to hand out programs. I am having a terrible time finding examples of statements where I can acknowledge our deceased grandparents and grandparents that could not travel a long distance to be at our wedding. I would also like to thank everyone for attending and can not come up with wording for that. Please give me some ideas.
	The following is an example of wording to express your sentiments in your wedding program. "Thank you to our parents, siblings, family and friends for being here to share this very special day with us, many of whom have traveled long distances to be with us today. We also will be thinking of those family members and friends who were not able to join us today and will keep in our hearts the memory of those who are no longer with us. We look forward to sharing many more joyous occasions with all of you in the years to come." Feel free to use this as a guide and change it as you feel necessary. Hope this helps you out.
	Wedding Announcements After Elopement My fiancee and I have decided to have a JOP wedding ceremony with a small family BBQ afterwards. My sister recommends I send out announcements afterwards. Should I send them out on the wedding date all together? We have a 5 month old daughter and many of them sent gifts for her, I don't want to appear money hungry or greedy.
	The simple answer to your question is that announcements are generally mailed as soon as possible after the wedding, most often the next day. However, if the couple elopes to get married, it's acceptable to send out the announcements up to several months later.
	Do you need an engagement ring to address each other as "fiancee"? My boyfriend and I have decided to get married after dating for 5 years. We have both been married before. We are currently in the process of buying a house and he is financing a college education for a child. We have not picked out a ring for me yet; is it proper to address each other as "fiancee" without me wearing an engagement ring yet?
	My opinion would be if your fiance has asked you to marry him and you've accepted, you should feel free to refer to each other as fiancee/fiance. I think it's appropriate especially if you've made a commitment to each other to marry and if you've shared your intentions with your family and friends. The fact that you don't have a ring doesn't make a difference. Many brides don't want to wear an engagement ring, preferring instead to only wear their wedding ring once married. Basically, it's your judgment call depending on what you're comfortable with. But I hope this answers your question.
	Inviting Coworkers to the Wedding I am getting married and would like to invite my coworkers. There are about 100 coworkers. I cannot get a list of names and addresses from work. Us it acceptable to have them sign up for an invite with their name/address and spouse?
	Although traditionally wedding invitations are mailed to the guests, I can suggest an alternative that may help you resolve your problem. I don't think posting a sign up sheet at work is appropriate. Instead, I think it would be better to leave an invitation at each coworker's desk or work station. If you don't know their last name, just address the outer envelope with their first name. As for those coworkers that you don't know their first names, you may want to reconsider including them on your guest list. I don't mean to be cold, but do you really want to invite people when you don't know their first name? Although it's a nice gesture to invite all your coworkers, you're not obligated to do so. I think leaving the invitations at each person's work station is a much better alternative than posting a sign up sheet, which can be considered to be very impersonal.
	Addressing Invitations When addressing inside envelope of wedding invitations, is it appropriate to be a little less formal with brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, etc.? For example, would you put "Uncle Henry and Aunt Rebecca" on the inside or "Dad and Mom"- rather than "Mr. and Mrs."
	The simple answer to your question is, yes, it's entirely appropriate to use a more familiar reference on the inner envelopes of invitations to immediate family members. The outer envelope should still follow the formal format for the address (ex.: Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Smith). I think the family members also appreciate it when the inner envelope is addressed as you mentioned in your example (Uncle Henry and Aunt Rebecca). However, the inner envelopes addressed to friends, acquaintances, coworkers, etc. should follow the formal format (ex.: Mr. and Mrs. Smith).
	Requesting Money as Gift I know its not proper to request money, but I will be doing it anyway. What would be a nice way to request. I will be putting it on on insert. We are wanting to purchase a home after we are married and the cash would be the best gift. Please Help
	Thanks for your recent etiquette question. While I understand you and your fiance's desire to save money to buy a home together, I don't think you should request a monetary gift from your wedding guests. In my opinion, it's not appropriate to request a specific gift, especially not a monetary gift. While bridal registries are common today and serve a practical purpose by giving guests an idea of what the engaged couple needs for their new home together, it's not an outright request for gifts but rather a guide to be used by wedding guests. Though many guests do opt to give a monetary gift, even if the couple is registered, I think it's in bad taste to request money as a gift. Remember you're inviting your wedding guests to share in your happiness as you begin your married life together, not because you want a gift from them. Also, your guests may be offended by a request for a specific gift, rather than letting them select a gift for you. I strongly disagree with your plans to insert a card with your invitations specifically requesting a gift of money. Rather than doing that, if you insist on asking for a monetary gift, I think it might be more tactful to ask your family members and close friends to pass along the word to other guests that you prefer a gift of money which you can apply to your savings for a new home.
	Parents Guests Both my and my fiance's parents are divorced. My father is dating a woman (for 5 months) and he wants to bring her to the wedding in October. My parents, fiance, and his parents feel it is not appropriate or comfortable for my dad to bring her girlfriend since they are not married and have not been together very long. None of them would bring a date even if they had one to bring. But, my dad is offended that I would not invite her. What should I do?
	Your question raises a common problem today which can often be a dilemma for the bride and groom. My best advice to you is to have a heart to heart talk with your dad and express your feelings about his wish to bring his girlfriend to your wedding. I think by telling your dad that you would find it awkward for him to bring a date to your wedding, it may help to diffuse a potentially volatile situation. It may also help to make him accept the situation if you explain that neither you nor your fiance's divorced parents will be bringing a date to the wedding, so he doesn't feel he's being treated differently. I'm sure your dad wants your wedding day to be special for you and that he would respect your feelings. Surely he wouldn't do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable at your wedding.
	Destination Weddings We were invited to a very small wedding for a close family friend. The wedding is on a Friday afternoon and in a resort location - everyone will need to travel to the event. We plan to attend, but will need to miss a day of work, spend almost $200 on a hotel room, plus meals, etc. for travel. I wouldn't want to miss this occasion, but am now uncertain how much to spend on a gift. In the Chicago area, it is common to spend at least $50 per person on a gift - a total of $100 per couple - (to cover the cost of your meal). I feel really torn between wanting to get them a nice gift since they are close friends, yet struggling because financially this is an expensive excursion. Do you have any advice?
	I understand your situation. Attending a destination wedding can often be an expensive proposition. The simple answer is this....No matter what you feel the rule of thumb is in your geographic area on how much you should spend on a wedding gift, the ultimate decision is driven by each guest's individual budget. You should spend only that amount that fits your