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Past
Questions:
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Question: Who
can Marry Us?
I just want to have a quick marriage away from everybody my fiance and I,
is their a justice of peace out there? |
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Answer:
We don't have justice's of the peace anymore in New Jersey. You need a county clerk, judge, mayor or minister. Let me know if I can help you further! |
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Question: Who
to Invite to Rehearsal Dinner
What is the proper etiquette for who gets invited to the rehearsal dinner?
My fiance and I were discussing the list and I say all relatives (aunts, uncles, grandparents)
and he says just immediate family and the bridal party. |
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Answer:
The grooms parents traditionally host the rehearsal dinner and the guest list will always include immediate family and bridal party, and any
participating ceremony people (readers, etc), but beyond that, it is totally the host and hostesses decision
(hopefully consulting you!) Many people feel like they want to see the out of town guests or relatives and that is how the dinners have gotten so big.
Hope that helps! |
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Question: Ideas
for Small Ceremony with Judge
I just want a simple ceremony with the judge and my parents. Can they be the two
witnesses I need? What would be appropriate to wear in his chambers? A white dress? I don't plan on a big gown.
Afterwards we'll have a family dinner. |
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Answer:
Thank you for your recent etiquette email. I'll try to answer
your questions as fully as possible. While the groom's father may serve as his best man, traditionally the bride's mother does not serve as the bride's witness or matron of honor. However, today it is common for brides and grooms to personalize their wedding ceremony with their selections, even if it's a bit untraditional. My
advice to you is select witnesses/attendants who are special to
you both, even if it means breaking with tradition. Regarding your choice of attire, either a white or pastel cocktail dress or suit
would be appropriate. |
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Question: Wedding
Invitations to Coworkers
I just started teaching at
a new school in September (very small school...8 teachers). Should I invite them all or none? We are
trying to keep it small we are on a budget?" |
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Answer:
Thanks for your email inquiring about your wedding guest list. While it's a nice gesture to invite co-workers
to your wedding, you shouldn't feel obligated to do so. Your guest list should include those people with whom
you and your fiance want to share your special day. If you're on tight budget and inviting another 8-16 people (if those invited have the option of bringing a
guest) will stretch your budget to its limit, you probably should forego inviting your co-workers. Likewise, since
you just started your new job, it's not likely that your co-workers will expect you to invite them to your
wedding, as you may not know them well yet. I do believe that since your co-workers are such a small group,
you should either invite all of them or none of them. Most likely, if your friends and co-workers know you're
trying to plan a small wedding, only your family and closest friends will expect to be invited to share in the
celebration.
Basically, it's a judgment call on your part. Keep in mind that it's best to be consistent on this point once you
and your fiance have made your decision, meaning neither you nor your fiance would include co-workers on
your guest list. Also, you and your fiance might want to decide if all or none of your unmarried guests will be
given the option of bringing a date. |
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Question
~ Small Wedding, Large Family
I am planning to have a very small and intimate wedding
celebration with just immediate family and close friends. I am however from an extremely large family (67 cousins on my father's side) and have attended
numerous weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, etc. My sisters would like to have a large shower for me,
and say that it is fine to invite people to a bridal shower, even though they won't be invited to the wedding. Is
this pushing it? |
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Answer:
While it's traditional for members of both the bride's and groom's families, your wedding attendants and close
friends to be invited to your bridal shower, in recent years showers have become large parties. Though it
wouldn't be improper to invite your extended family (cousins,
etc.) to the bridal shower, most people invited to the bridal shower do expect to be invited to the wedding and reception. However, extended family members
with whom you are not close may not expect a wedding invitation.
A bridal shower should not be a huge extravaganza which includes every person on the wedding list. An affair
such as that suggests that the bride is only interested in the gifts she receives, not in the company she shares with
her guests. Remember, showers are meant to be intimate parties.
My advice to you would be to speak with your sisters and be honest with them about the type of shower that
would suit you. If you don't feel comfortable at large parties, let them know. You may also want to make your
wishes known to your mom and your fiance's mom, so that whoever the potential hostess(es) is/are, they'll
respect your feelings. Even if your bridal shower is to be a surprise, you can drop some hints as to the type of
celebration you'd like. I think it would be best if your shower guest list consisted of only people who are on
your wedding ceremony/reception guest list---this would avoid any awkward situations of someone being
invited to one event and not the other. If you have any other questions, please feel free to email or call me again at your convenience. Best wishes to
you! |
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Question
~ Addressing Wedding Invitations for 2nd Wedding:
My fiancee and I have both been married before. We would like a small wedding with immediate family. We
would like to then have a get together after with family and close friends. How should we address the invitation?
We would like friends to know we are getting married and that we are just having
an informal get together at a different location after the ceremony. Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated!!
Thanks |
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Answer:
If you're planning to hold the reception after the wedding,
whether it's formal or informal, the appropriate wording for the invitation would be :
[Your parents' names]
request the pleasure of your company
at a reception
in honor of
[your names]
[insert location of celebration and time]
If you want to use this format but issue the invitations in your names, you could substitute "celebrating our
marriage" in place of "in honor of". You could also use preprinted invitations where you would just have to fill in
your names and the location/time.
Often with second marriages, the wedding ceremony is kept small and a large reception may follow the
actually ceremony. The appropriate wording in that situation (when the reception will actually follow the
ceremony) is:
[Name of people issuing invitation]
request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding
reception [if parents]\
at their wedding reception [if your names]
of [insert your names if parents sending invitation]
[insert day and date of reception]
[insert time of reception]
[insert location/address of reception]
R.S.V.P. |
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Question
~ Wedding Invitations to Cousins
What is the proper etiquette regarding invitations to cousins. We have a large list of cousins - some closer
than others. Is it considered obligatory to invite all cousins or no cousins. Can there be a reasonable cut off
such as age? |
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Answer:
It is customary to invite cousins to your wedding celebration. Though it's not obligatory to invite every cousin, it
would be a nice gesture to do so, after all they are closely related to you and your fiance. In large families, often
times only those cousins with whom you are very close emotionally or close to in age are
invited. If you are not planning to invite children, in general, to your wedding, then it may be appropriate to invite only those
cousins over a certain age. However, it's a tough balancing act deciding where to draw the line among your family
members and not offending anyone.
My advice would be to err on the side of inviting all your cousins and letting them decide how to respond to the
invitation. If they don't feel very close to you or are far away geographically, they may decline to attend. But
this way you haven't excluded any immediate family members or hurt anyone's feelings. It's easier to draw the
line on limiting your guest list when it comes to acquaintances such as coworkers, etc.
I hope this helps you handle your dilemma. If you have any other concerns, feel free to email me or call me
again at your convenience. |
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Question
~ Bridal Showers & Wedding Invitations
My family recently threw me a rather large bridal shower. Most of the people there were extended family that
I have not seen since I was very young. I was not aware that they would be
invited, or that they would be present. I can not invite all of the people who were at my shower to the wedding. I am on a tight budget, and
myself and my fiancee have large families on both sides. I feel so rude and improper for not inviting everyone
who was at the shower to the wedding, especially since they gave me gifts. What should I do? I know people
will be offended, including my aunts who gave me the shower.
Thanks. |
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Answer:
Thanks for your email inquiry about bridal showers and wedding invitations. Although most guests who are
invited to a bridal shower do expect to be invited to the wedding and reception, you shouldn't feel obligated to
do so. If at all possible, you may want to err on the side of inviting as many of your extended
family as your budget allows and perhaps trying to trim down the list of friends to be invited. if your extended family doesn't
live nearby, they may decide not to travel to attend your wedding. Another suggestion may be to let your aunts
who threw the bridal shower for you and the rest of your extended family know that your wedding budget is
quite limited. Perhaps then they won't feel slighted if they don't receive a wedding invitation. Also, maybe if you
discuss this with your parents and your fiance's parents, they may be inclined to help you with your wedding
planning budget. My last suggestion would be to throw an informal party or gathering after your wedding (it
could even be after you return from your honeymoon) where you include all those family and friends you weren't
able to invite to your wedding due to budget constraints. Everyone will still enjoy getting together to wish you
and your new husband well! |
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Question
~ Who can host a Bridal Shower
Is it proper for the groom's mother to host a bridal shower if the bride has only a daughter in law to do it? |
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Answer:
Thanks for your recent email inquiry regarding bridal showers. Traditionally immediate members of the bride's
and groom's family should not give the bridal shower. This includes moms, grandmothers and sisters. The
traditional rule was that showers should be given by aunts, cousins, members of the bridal party or close friends
of the bride and groom. However, many people have chosen not to follow this traditional rule and today
showers are often hosted by immediate family members. This is especially true today when a bride is given
several showers, often by family and friends or co-workers. In fact, my bridal shower was given by my
mother-in-law to be.
So I would say if the groom's mother would like to give the bridal shower and doesn't feel uncomfortable
breaking with tradition, then by all means she should feel free to do so. I think the best thing is to do what
makes you and the bridal couple feel comfortable. |
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Question
~ Who can walk me down the aisle if my father is deceased?
Would it be inappropriate to have my 18 yr old be my Maid of
honor and my 14 yr old son walk me down the aisle? my father is deceased.
This is my 3rd marriage and the grooms first. How about a destination wedding
with just the kids? Cruise ship wedding? |
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Thanks for your email inquiry about selecting the members of your bridal party. I believe it's not only very
appropriate to ask your children to be part of your bridal party, but I think it would be a wonderful gesture to
unify you and your children with your future husband. In my opinion, having your son escort you down the aisle
and your daughter being your maid of honor would make your children feel honored by having them participate
in the ceremony (instead of just attending) and would show that your respect their feelings. If your mother is still
living, you may ask your son if he and your mom would like to escort you down the aisle, including both
generations in this tradition.
I think a destination or cruise ship wedding would be a great idea. This way you can combine the wedding
with a family vacation. If you'd like, you could even ask a few close family members to join you on your trip,
unless you just want to limit the wedding to yourselves and your children. Whatever you decide, it's up to you
and your fiance. You need to decide what type of wedding (traditional or destination) is your taste and what
suits your family's situation. Either way, I'm sure you'll all enjoy celebrating your marriage!
Best of luck to you! |
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Question
~ What is the appropriate amount to spend on a wedding gift if you
are not able to attend the wedding?
I was invited to a coworkers wedding, but am unable to attend. I would like to send a gift. How much is
customary in this situation. What is proper etiquette in not attending the wedding? |
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Answer:
There are no guidelines regarding what is the appropriate amount to spend on a wedding gift. Instead, this is up
to each guest's discretion, based on how close they feel their relationship is with the bride and/or groom and the
guest's personal budget. In my opinion, it would be appropriate to spend between $30 to $50 on a coworker's
wedding gift. Of course, if this coworker is a very close friend of yours and if your budget allows, you may
decide to spend more. It's your judgment call.
Some suggestions that would make thoughtful wedding gifts, especially if you don't know your coworker very
well, are: photo frames and/or albums for wedding portraits or honeymoon photos; cookbooks; scrapbook
supplies, if you think your coworker and new spouse would enjoy making a scrapbook about their
engagement/wedding/honeymoon; blank journal books that they could record details of their honeymoon; gift
baskets filled with items for a gourmet dinner the newlyweds could make on their first night in their new home;
any item in your price range from their bridal registry; and, of course, gift certificates or cash gifts. |
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Question
~ Attire for the groom's father
What is the proper attire for the grooms father? I think a tux is in order he claims that a suit would suffice. |
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Answer:
Although there is no rule set in stone about what the groom's father should wear, generally speaking the groom's
father should dress in the same manner as the other men in the bridal party, even though he likely has no active
part in the wedding. If the bride's father, groom and his attendants are all wearing tuxedos, and both the mother
of the bride and of the groom are wearing formal gowns, then it would be preferable for the groom's father to
also wear a tuxedo. An appropriate substitute for the tuxedo would be a dark, formal suit.
However, keep in mind the type of wedding you're planning and the time of the wedding will likely control your
decision about attire. If you're planning a morning or early afternoon wedding and reception, it would be
appropriate for the groom's father to wear a dark formal suit. If you're planning an evening affair, even if it's not
a black tie function, the groom's father could wear a dark suit or a tuxedo.
Whatever your decision, it's probably best for you and your fiance to be in agreement on it before opening the
subject with your father-in-law to be. This should help to minimize any hard feelings. |
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Question
~ How can I ask my stepfather to walk me down the aisle without
hurting my father's feelings?
My step-father and my father have both been greatly involved
in the planning of my wedding. My father and I were estranged for many
years, and my step father was pretty much the only father I had. How
can I tell my biological father that I am having my step father give me
away at my wedding without hurting his feelings? |
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Answer:
The situation you're in, having your stepfather give you away at your wedding, could be quite delicate. My
suggestion for handling your situation would be to ask your father to perform or handle some other aspect of
your wedding. By asking him to do some special task, he'll feel included rather than excluded and is likely
to not be offended that your stepfather will be walking you down the
aisle. You can schedule some private time with your father so you can have a
heart-to-heart talk and express your wishes that he perform some other special wedding related task. This
may not only help to diffuse the situation, but may help to build a bridge between your father and
stepfather, if neither man feels they've been hurt in this situation.
Another possible solution would be to have both men escort you to the altar, signifying that each is
important to you and a part of your life. Whichever way you handle the situation, as long as
you make your wishes known to both your stepfather and father, I'm sure they'll honor your wishes to help
make your wedding day memorable. |
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Question
~ Can you wear white if you've been married previously and have
children?
My
fiance is divorced..I had two kids out of wedlock
4 years ago. from my ex. We just got
engaged. My grandma is saying I cannot wear white because I had
kids and cannot get married in church because he was married. She
says we have to go to a justice of the peace. Is this so? Should I
be punished for my mistake? |
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Answer:
The short and sweet answer is you can wear whatever color
dress would make you happiest. So even if your family thinks it's
taboo or untraditional, you could wear white if you'd like. Soft
pastel colors or off-white are preferable to pure white for second
marriages , white is acceptable when worn with colored
accessories. For both second marriages and brides with children
out of wedlock, it is recommended that the bride not wear a veil.
As for the issue of getting married in a church, that's something
you'll need to discuss with your clergy person. Your church may
have specific guidelines about performing ceremonies for second
marriages. I trust this information answered your questions.
If you need additional information, feel free to email me again at
your convenience. Best wishes to you! |
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Question
~
How much is appropriate for the mother-in-law to be to spend
on the bridal shower gift? And the wedding gift? My ex
and I are contributing to the wedding expense. |
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There is no rule about the appropriate amount for any guest
to spend on a bridal shower gift. Generally, the
gift selection is limited only by the guest's imagination,
taste and budget. Also, generally speaking,
a bridal shower gift should not be as elaborate
or as expensive as what you'd spend for a wedding
gift.
As
for the wedding gift, both the bride's and groom's family
often give gifts for their new household. For example,
the groom's parents may give the couple china,
crystal or other furnishings for the new home. Again,
there's no set guideline for the amount each family
should spend on the gift. But for sentimental reasons,
a gift that will be used and enjoyed by the couple
for many years is more valuable to the bride and
groom.
Keep
in mind the general rule for any gift-giving is that
it's the thought that counts, not the dollar amount
spent. |
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Question
~ Inviting Coworkers to the Wedding
I can't decide
what to do about inviting coworkers. By the time I get married,
I'll have worked with them for 1 1/2 yrs. The office is
about 12 people and we all work closely together. But of course
spouses would need tobe invited too. People know about my wedding
and often ask me how the planning is going, etc. They have all
been invited to each other's weddings, and I don't know what to
do. Adding 24 people is a lot, especially when our guest list
right now is about 130. I feel like inviting them to the ceremony
only is rude. Any advice? |
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You
should not feel obligated to invite your coworkers to your wedding
just because they've all invited each other to their weddings.
This is especially so if budgetary or space/seating constraints
are an issue. Nor should your coworkers expect to be automatically
invited. Generally, if you invite all your coworkers your fiance
should do likewise. Often, inviting both the bride's and groom's
coworkers greatly increases the wedding expenses.
You and your fiance should discuss this issue
together and be consistent in your actions, whichever way you
decide. So if you're not inviting anyone from your fiance's
office, your coworkers shouldn't be invited either.
Perhaps when your coworkers ask you how your wedding plans
are proceeding, you can briefly mention your budgetary or space
constraints. They'll then understand not to expect an invitation. |
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Question
- Proper Attire for a Semi-Formal Wedding
Is it o.k. for the bride (Mexican American) to wear a semi-formal
wedding dress & tiara and the groom (African American) to wear
a shirt (Mexican shirt) and pants to their wedding. I am
just concerned that he is too under dressed and disrespecting his
culture. |
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Generally,
for a semi-formal wedding, the groom will wear a dark suit or a
tuxedo. If it's customary in the groom's culture to wear other
attire, that would be acceptable as well. What you might want to
suggest is that your fiance wear a dark suit or tuxedo and
accompanied by accessories from his cultural background to
incorporate the two, mirroring the semi-formal nature of your
attire while respecting his cultural traditions too. |
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Question
- Asking Guests to Mail Gifts
My friend is having her wedding in Mexico and wants to insert
a card with the invitations letting her guests know to send the
gifts to her home. Because it would be difficult to transport the
gifts back to the US and they would be checked though customs and
unwrapped. It would be easier for everyone. How can we
do this? |
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You can handle this issue by having a separate card printed to be
included with the invitation, response card, etc. The card may
simply state that for the guest's traveling convenience, since the
wedding is outside the U.S., the bride and groom encourage guests
to send any wedding gifts to the couple's new address.
This can be accomplished by using an "at
home" card, indicating your new address and the date you will
be available there. Another alternative may be to print a card
insert requesting guests make a contribution to a designated
charity in your honor, in lieu of transporting a gift. Any card(s)
to be sent with the invitation should face the envelope's flap and
placed in front of the invitation itself, unless it's a folded
invitation then the insert cards are placed within the fold. |
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Question
~ If you call off the wedding do your return the Bridal Shower
Gifts?
I was planning to get married this month & called it off
today. I had a Bridal shower at work. Do I return the gifts
I received? |
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When
a wedding is cancelled at the last minute, yes the gifts must be
returned as soon as possible. If the wedding is just postponed,
because of a death or illness in the family, you do not have to
return the gifts, even if the wedding is not rescheduled
immediately. |
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Question
~ Who can walk down the aisle with the bride if the bride's father
is deceased.
My husband's best friend died several years ago and his daughter
(who is getting married in August) has asked my husband to walk
her down the aisle. When the time comes to respond to "who
gives this woman to be married to this man", how should my
husband answer? Also, should my husband sit with her mother during
the ceremony or sit with me? |
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The bride's mother, if still living, should respond "I
do". She may step forward to respond or answer while seated
in the pew. If both the bride's parents are deceased, then it
would be appropriate for your husband to reply.
As for the seating, if you both are very close with
the bride's family, you could be seated at the parents' table.
While seating assignments are usually decided by the bride and
groom, you may want to discuss your concern about the seating
arrangements ahead of time if being seated at the parents' table
would be awkward for you. |
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Question
~ Who is responsible for paying for the bridesmaids' hair and
makeup on the day of the wedding?
I
know that the Bridesmaids are responsible for buying their
dresses...but who is responsible for paying for their hair/makeup
the day of the wedding? As the bride is that my
responsibility or should they pay for it themselves? |
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The
bridal attendants are expected to purchase their attire and all
necessary accessories. However, it would be a nice gesture if you
paid for their hair stylist/make-up artist, although this is not
obligatory. If budgetary constraints prohibit this, you need not
offer to pay for their hair/make-up services. |
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Question
~ Inviting guests to bridal shower who are invited to the wedding
reception, but not the wedding ceremony -
My son and his fiance are planning a small wedding with
family and just a few friends but a large reception. Friends would
like to host a shower but is it appropriate to invite friends to
the shower that will not be invited to the wedding but will be
invited to the reception? Thank you. |
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It's not unusual for the wedding ceremony to be private, with a
large reception following it. While traditionally this occurs when
the marriage would be a second marriage for the bride or groom,
these days it also can be because of space constraints. If, for
example, the ceremony location can accommodate only a small number
of guests but the reception location can accommodate a much larger
group, you can let it be known that while you are limited in space
to an intimate group (small group) at the ceremony, you'll be able
to include a larger number in the reception celebration.
So the long and the short of it is, yes I
think it would be appropriate for those friends attending the
reception only to host a shower for your daughter-in-law-to-be
and/or your son if they wish. After all, the shower is supposed to
be a happy occasion to honor the happy couple and wish them well. |
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Question
~ Who holds the bridal shower?
It is my understanding that the future mother-in-law of the
bride is not the one to give a bridal shower, but instead the
responsibility of a sister or friend.. True? |
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Traditionally
immediate members of the bride's or groom's family should not give
the bridal shower. Possible hostesses for the bridal shower
include aunts, cousins, members of the bridal party, coworkers and
friends of either the bride or groom. However, that doesn't mean
that bridal showers have not been hosted by immediate family
members. Sometimes immediate family members co-host the bridal
shower with members of the bridal party, for example. These days,
anything goes and you can choose to follow the tradition or not. |
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Question
~ For a second wedding, can you invite people who attended the
first wedding to the reception?
Help...I am getting married for the second time, in March, and
we are having a small ceremony and a large reception. My family
lives in lower Michigan and the reception will be held in Upper
Michigan. I am not sure what to do about sending the invitations.
Also, this is my future husbands first wedding, my question
is...Do I sent invitations for the reception to my relatives that
attended my first, or does that just seem like an ask for gifts... |
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Even
though this is your second wedding, you should send invitations to
all your family members to include them in this joyous occasion. I
don't think your family will interpret the invitations as a
solicitation for a wedding gift, but rather expressing your wish
that they share in your special day as you and your fiance begin
your married life together. |
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What
is proper attire for an evening wedding?
My niece is being married Jan.5 in Jacksonville, FL at 5:30
PM. The wedding is formal--maybe white tie. The reception is
being held at the Sheraton Hotel. What is proper attire for a
woman? Can you wear a sequins suit? Isn't this considered a
daytime wedding since it is before six? |
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Even though the wedding is scheduled for 5:30p.m., it would still
be considered an evening wedding. For a formal evening wedding,
women guests should wear long or short dresses (whichever you are
more comfortable in); for a semiformal evening wedding, women
guests should wear cocktail dresses. On the other hand, when
attending a formal daytime wedding women guests should wear
street-length cocktail or afternoon dresses. My personal opinion
is that a cocktail dress is the best option for a semi-formal or
formal wedding, whether afternoon or evening, as most women find
cocktail dresses more comfortable than full length evening gowns
and less cumbersome for dancing.
But
if you're in the mood to be glamorous, go ahead and wear an
elegant evening gown. If you haven't received the wedding
invitation yet, wait until you do to see if the invitation
specifies black tie or gives any other indication of the formality
of the ceremony and reception. |
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Can
you invite guests to the ceremony only and not the
reception?
We have lots of friends within the church
family. Is it appropriate to invite these folks to the ceremony
only and not the reception which follows at another destination. (ie:
mountain resort)? |
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Thanks for your recent etiquette question. In response, I would
say that most often those guests invited to the wedding ceremony
should also be invited to attend the reception. But it is possible
to invite people just to the ceremony.
Sometimes, rather than having a separate
reception card printed to be included with the wedding invitation,
the invitation itself would read "...an afterward at the
reception [location}" or "...reception immediately
following ceremony" to let guests know they're invited to
attend both the ceremony and the reception. But when the guest
list for the ceremony is larger than the list for the reception, a
separate card is enclosed with the wedding invitation for those
who are to be invited to the reception. Such a separate reception
card may read "Reception immediately following the ceremony
[location]". I'm sure your stationer can show you several
samples of these types of reception cards with sample
wording.
One word of caution though, don't be
surprised if some members of your church family come to the
reception, even if a separate reception card isn't included with
the invitation. These days many guests presume that if they're
invited to the ceremony the invitation extends to the reception
afterwards as well. |
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What
is the proper attire for a "fairly formal" afternoon
wedding?
I live in southwest Florida and am attending a fairly formal
afternoon wedding in mid-October. Reception at a lavish golf club
resort. What is proper attire? |
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Based on your
description of the wedding as "fairly formal," I would
probably err on the side of dressing more formally. For a formal
daytime wedding or semiformal evening wedding, appropriate attire
for women guests includes street-length cocktail or afternoon
dresses; for a formal evening wedding, it would be appropriate to
wear a long or short dress.
My opinion is that a cocktail dress is
appropriate for almost any type of wedding. The wedding invitation
itself should give you some indication as to the degree of
formality of the event. If the wedding is black tie or black tie
optional, then you may want to consider wearing a long gown. |
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Is
it improper for the mother of the groom to wear an ivory colored
dress? I would appreciate it as the father of the groom
and in the middle of this, if you could settle an argument that is
brewing. Is it an affront or improper for the mother of the groom
to wear an ivory colored dress? Is it the brides choice even after
she has said you would look fine in anything you select? This is a
formal wedding the bride is wearing a white dress the Ivory has a
good deal of color so it is perhaps a 15-20% off white. Thank you
for your trouble. |
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Generally,
this decision is one for the mother of the bride. While she may
discuss her possible choices with her daughter, it is up to the
mother of the bride to select the style and formality of her
dress. As a courtesy, the mother of the bride should discuss her
possible selections with the mother of the groom before finalizing
her decision, but it is not obligatory. Once the mother of the
bride makes her decision, she should let the mother of the groom
know, who should then choose a dress in a similar style or length.
The receiving line, if you plan on having one, looks much nicer if
both of the mothers' dresses are of similar length and in
complementary colors.
Most
mothers tend to choose solid, pastel tones, but this depends on
the mothers' taste as well as which colors suit their complexion.
So traditionally it is not the bride's choice, but the mother of
the bride's. If the mother of the bride has chosen a soft pastel
colored dress, perhaps even ivory, it would be appropriate for the
mother of the groom to wear a shade of ivory/off-white as well. If
the mother of the bride has selected a more bold color, perhaps
your wife could consider another, brighter color that would be
suitable for her complexion too.
I hope
this answers your question and resolves any family
squabbles. |
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What
is the proper attire for a boat wedding?
My daughter and her fiance wish to marry on a schooner (captain to
perform wedding) at sunset off Key West, FL. I would like us to
dress as formally as possible. What is usual form of dress. |
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The
most formal attire the mother of the bride can wear is a long
evening gown/dinner dress or a cocktail dress. This applies to
both formal daytime and evening weddings. Since the ceremony is on
a boat, you may want to opt for the cocktail dress, but that's
just my personal preference. The decision is up to you. Whatever
you decide, enjoy selecting your dress! |
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Second
Wedding Questions...
Help. I am getting married for the second time in September
2003. My parents have not been supportive of the wonderful man in
my life. Too old not enough money... the usual. Is it
inappropriate to not have my father walk me. Could I have my son
who will be 11 when I marry. He has a wonderful
relationship with my husband to be. I don't want to hurt my
father.
Also
is there a site or book or place with information with planning a
second wedding. |
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In
response to your concern, there is no set rule on who should
escort a bride down the aisle. Traditionally, the bride is
escorted by a male and usually it's the father of the bride.
However, you need not follow this tradition. I think it would be
very nice to include your son as part of the wedding ceremony.
Perhaps
a compromise would be to have both your father and your son escort
you, so no one is offended. As for your question on planning a
second wedding, you'll find an informative article posted on the
Atlantic City Weddings website which should be helpful to
you. To read the article please visit www.atlanticcityweddings.com/articles/secondweddings.htm. |
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If you call off the wedding do your return the Shower
Gifts? What if some of the gifts have been returned?...
My
31 year old sister got engaged rather hastily 3 months ago. Now,
two weeks after the wedding shower, she's backing out (and wisely
so, IMHO) My question is what IS the proper etiquette
for returning gifts?!? She got LOTS of stuff, some
pretty generic, some very unique, some cash/checks/etc. Most
from family...what does one write in the "thank yous"?
and how do you go about returning gifts bought through a dept
store registry...would it be improper to send a check for the
amount of the gift (if it's already been returned, as in the case
of duplicates) plus tax?
TIA for any help!!
Distressed Sis |
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Dear
Distressed Sis:
Thanks for your recent email question. It's always a delicate
situation when a wedding is cancelled, but I'll try to answer your
question as completely as possible. It is proper etiquette to
return all the wedding gifts, and I would say this includes bridal
shower gifts as well. Your sister should try to return all the
gifts, including the monetary gifts, as soon as possible. The
notes your sister should send are not typical thank you notes.
While she can thank the guest for attending the shower and for
their kind gift, she may want to simply acknowledge the gift and
explain she'll be returning it as the wedding has been cancelled.
It may seem awkward, but returning the gifts is the right thing to
do. As for duplicate or unwanted gifts your sister has returned to
the store, keep in mind that the refund amount your sister
received may not be the same amount the guest paid, if the item
was bought at a different store or was on sale when your sister
returned it. Hope this helps you in your dilemma. |
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Attire
for a Wedding on a Boat...
My daughter and her fiance wish to marry on a schooner
(captain to perform wedding) at sunset off Key West, FL. I
would like us to dress as formally as possible. What is
usual form of dress. |
|
|
The
most formal attire the mother of the bride can wear is a long
evening gown/dinner dress or a cocktail dress. This applies to
both formal daytime and evening weddings. Since the ceremony is on
a boat, you may want to opt for the cocktail dress, but that's
just my personal preference. The decision is up to you.
Whatever you decide, enjoy selecting your dress! |
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Amount
to Spend on a Wedding Gift...
What is the proper amount to spend on a wedding gift? I
am a single mother and plan to bring my 3 young children to the
wedding and dinner. |
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|
Thanks
for your recent email question. There is no set amount on what a
guest should spend for
a wedding gift. That decision depends upon your taste
as well as your budget. I would guesstimate that
most wedding guests today probably spend approximately
$50 on a gift, but again that varies based
on each person's budget.
If you're
inclined, you may want to consider making a
gift for the bride and groom. Handmade items such as
needlepoint, knitted or crocheted afghans, for example,
make lovely gifts that will be treasured by the
couple for years to come. These items are often relatively
inexpensive to make, though they do require some
time to complete.
Whatever you
decide to give the couple as a gift, it may
be cliche but it is truly the thought that counts and
I'm sure the couple will think of you fondly when they
use your gift. |
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Seating
at a Wedding...
Where
should I sit at the wedding of my fiancee's daughter? Next to him?
Behind him? What's proper? |
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|
As
a general rule, the father of the bride sits in the
pew behind the mother of the bride, if the bride's parents
are divorced. If the parents of the bride have since remarried, it
is appropriate for their new spouses
to be seated with them. However, if there are ill
feelings between the divorced parents of the bride,
the second wife can be seated with the bride's father
if the bride so wishes, unless the bride's mother
would be strongly offended by this. If so, it would
probably be more tactful for the second wife to sit
farther back in the church with another family member
of friend.
Although you're
the father of the bride's fiancee, I would
think these general guidelines would also apply. If
there is no bitterness between the divorced parents
and the bride asks you to sit with her dad, then
I think it would be fine for you to be seated with
him in the pew behind the mother of the bride and her
spouse, if she's remarried. Otherwise, if the bride's
mother objects or the whole situation becomes too
awkward, you may feel more comfortable sitting elsewhere
in the church with other family members. It sounds
like this is a situation best discussed with you,
your fiancee and the bride-to-be to see how best to
resolve the situation without offending anyone. |
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Is
it appropriate to wear a veil in the Catholic church?...
Is it appropriate to wear a veil in the catholic church when
getting married? |
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|
There
is no set rule on wearing a veil. Generally speaking,
the veil is optional whether you're planning a
formal or informal wedding. So my suggestion would be
to follow your own preference. You may also want to
check with the priest of your church to see if there
are any religious requirements concerning the veil. |
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Alternative
to the Best Man...I'm a woman and have been asked to stand up for
my best friend at his wedding...
My best friend is getting married in a couple of years, and has
asked me to stand up for him on the big day. I'm thrilled and
honored to have been asked and eagerly accepted. The only problem
is I'm a woman and my best friend is a guy. Is this acceptable,
and if so, what should I wear, etc? |
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Although
it's
traditional for the bride's attendant to be a female
and the groom's a male, this isn't something written
in stone. I think it's wonderful that your friend
the groom doesn't feel bound by conventional traditions!
Several
years ago, a very close woman friend of mine asked
one of our male friends to be her attendant. Likewise,
the groom's best friend was a woman and he asked
her to be his attendant. It was a beautiful ceremony
and not at all awkward. In fact, it was refreshing.
So while this may not be widespread, it has
been done.
As for
attire, your selection should be based on the formality
of the wedding. At my friend's wedding, for example,
both attendants wore formal suits since it was
an afternoon wedding. Talk with the bride and groom
and see what they have in mind as well. Whatever
you decide to wear, enjoy the day as it's always
an honor to be part of a friend's wedding! |
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Stepmother
Attire Question
My step daughter is marrying at 7:00 p.m. with 4 bridal
attendants. Is it proper for me to wear a long dress?
I do not know what the mother of the bride is wearing. |
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If
your stepdaughter's evening wedding is to be a formal or
semi-formal affair, then it would be appropriate for you to wear a
long gown. If it's an informal evening wedding, then your dress
should be the same length as the bride's.
However,
I would strongly recommend that you discuss dress styles in
general with the bride's mother before buying your dress. I think
it's appropriate for you to defer to the mother of the bride, who
in turn should select her attire based on the tone of the event as
set by the bride. So if it's a formal affair and the mother of the
bride chooses a long gown, you could follow suit. I think it would
be awkward if your dress was more formal than the mother of the
bride's.
Keep
in mind these are just guidelines. Your selection should reflect
not only the tone of the event, but your taste and style as well!
Hope you find this information to be helpful. |
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Choosing
Bridal Shower Gifts
Should I choose the bridal shower gift from the
wedding registry or should I just
get a gift of my choice? |
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|
Simply
put, you're not limited in your bridal shower gift
selection. While bridal registries are helpful
because they give guests an idea of what items the
bride and groom need, you should not feel obligated
to stick to that list. Merely use that list
as your guide. If you are a close friend of
the couple and know their interests/hobbies,
you may want to give a gift that both of
them can use, even if it is for the bridal
shower.
Remember, it may
be cliche, but it's true...it's the thought that counts! Happy
shopping! |
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Addressing
Invitations
If the groom-to-be is not an ordained minister, is it proper to
say:
We request your presence at the wedding of Jane Doe to Minister
John Smith |
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|
The
simple answer is men who are customarily referred to by their
titles should have them included in their wedding invitations. So
if the groom is customarily called "Minister John
Smith," then that's how the invitation should read. Hope this
answers your question. |
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Canceled
Wedding
My daughter just cancelled her wedding. What should we do
about the bridesmaids dresses. They are not returnable. Should we
offer to pay for them? Thanks for your response. |
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|
Thanks
for your recent email. So sorry to hear about the change in your
daughter's wedding plans. Although it's not obligatory, it would
be a nice gesture to pay for the bridesmaids' dresses. Best
wishes to you. |
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Can
you have a monetary shower instead of a bridal shower?
I am 28 years old and have been living on my own for five
years. Needless to say I have everything and anything I could
possibly need in terms of household items, linens, etc.. My fiance
and I both come from very large families and the thought of 100
bridal shower gifts frightens me. I do not want a bridal shower. I
was told it is not up to me, that a shower would be held in my
honor. Recently my Mother asked me for feedback on the subject and
I told her I don't want one and I would rather her help me pay for
something else for the "big day". Is this wrong. She
seems to think I have to have one. Is there such a thing as a
Monetary Shower. Please help. |
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|
Thanks
for your emailed etiquette question and congratulations on your
engagement. I know large bridal showers can seem overwhelming, but
remember they are meant to be gatherings where your family and
friends can wish you well prior to your wedding. However, if you
really don't want a bridal shower, you should make this clear not
only to you mother, but your fiance's mother, your close friends
and those people you've asked to be in your wedding party. Maybe
they'll heed your request, but it's not wrong to not want a bridal
shower...it's just a matter of personal preference.
To
answer your second question, it's in poor taste to call a bridal
shower a "monetary shower." Though often guests do give
monetary gifts, it's not appropriate to specifically request that
as a present. A themed bridal shower can be planned. Examples of
shower themes include: brunch or formal teas; pantry shower;
lingerie shower; round-the-clock shower (each guest has a specific
hour of the day noted on their invitation and their gift is to be
appropriate for that hour); gardening shower; recipe shower; paper
shower or a wishing well shower (each guest brings an additional
gift of little cost to be placed in the wishing well and to help
bride furnish household). Of course, the theme is only limited by
the hostess' imagination. Hope this answers your questions and
solves your dilemma. |
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Addressing
Invitations...
How do I put junior and senior on separate invites? Do I right
John Doe, Sr. or John Doe, Senior? |
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|
It
is entirely appropriate to use the abbreviations "Jr."
and "Sr. "when addressing invitation envelopes. In fact,
that's how it's most commonly done. |
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Seating
Arrangements for Divorced Parents
My daughter is getting married in June and her father and I are
recently divorced. The groom's parents are also divorced. Both of
the fathers have "friends" and neither of the mothers
have a significant person in their lives. How is the seating in
the church and in the reception? My daughter has said that she
wants her family sitting together and his family sitting together,
but I have to admit that this will be awkward for me. First and
foremost I want my daughter's wedding to be all that she's ever
dreamed of. |
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|
Your question does present an awkward situation. First of all, I
think it's great that you're focusing on helping your daughter
have her dream wedding. I'll try to answer your question as best
as possible.
If
the bride's divorced parents are on friendly terms, the bride's
mother sits in the front pew on the left side of the aisle and the
bride's father would sit in the next pew back with his new wife.
If the divorced parents' relationship is bitter, the father of the
bride would still sit in the pew immediately behind the bride's
mother, but his new wife may find it more comfortable to sit
farther back in the church. The same applies for the groom's
divorced parents, except of course they are seated on the right
side of the aisle.
I realize the fathers of the bride and groom haven't
remarried, but you may still want to follow this general rule of
thumb. As for the reception seating, the parents' table usually
includes the parents of both the bride and groom, the
grandparents, the officiant and his/her spouse and the godparents.
This is just a guideline and need not be followed. For example, at
my wedding, our families are so large we chose to seat our parents
with some of our aunts and uncles.
Probably
the best solution, for resolving the church and reception seating,
is to speak candidly with your daughter and son-in-law-to-be about
your concerns. I'm sure you can find some common ground that will
keep everyone happy and avoid any awkward moments. |
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Is
it proper etiquette to get married in the bride's home state?
I was born and raised in Texas and my boyfriend was raised in
Oregon. Well I have a huge family and I have always wanted to get
married in Texas. He is 100% against it and I don't what to do. Is
it proper etiquette to get married in the bride's home state? |
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|
The location of a wedding is not based on etiquette, but rather
tradition. Since traditionally the bride's parents hosted the
wedding and paid for most of the expenses, the wedding's location
was traditionally the bride's home town. Although today, the
groom's parents often contribute towards the wedding's costs and
sometimes the bride and groom foot the entire wedding bill, it's
still traditional to have the wedding in the bride's home
city/state.
Of course, an alternative is to choose a neutral
location. You could plan a destination wedding/honeymoon or plan
the wedding in a state that holds fond memories for both of you.
I've seen both done. |
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|
Do
you have a bridal shower for someone if they are getting married
for the third time and already have everything?
Hello.
I am wondering what the gift is, if any on my mother-in-laws 3rd
wedding, his first. She has already had 2 huge weddings, and since
she needs to be the center of attention, she is having a 3rd huge
wedding. The groom doesn't really want one. They are both in there
50's, and personally I don't think we should give them a monetary
gift. I think a nice photo album or something engraved, (a picture
frame) Nothing too huge. And she also feels that myself, and her 2
daughters need to throw her a shower. Now, this to me is a bit
much. I will not even attend, let alone throw her a shower. They
both had homes of there own, and now she is expecting a shower.
And to top it all off, she wants a personal shower as well. This
is just way out of line. Please email me back ASAP, with your
thoughts, because the wedding is the first part of May. Thank you
so much for your time! |
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|
I
understand your concerns, but remember a bridal shower is meant to
be a gathering of intimate friends and family to wish the bride
well. Whatever you choose to give your mother-in-law at her
shower, I'm sure she'll appreciate the thought behind it. There's
no set rule on what should be given as a shower gift. I think your
ideas of giving a photo album or engraved frame would be great.
They're sentimental and practical at the same time, plus usually
not too pricey. Hope this answers your question. Good luck and
best wishes to you. |
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Inviting
guests to the wedding ceremony
but not to the wedding reception...
A friend has asked me this question and I am not sure of the
proper answer. Her daughter is getting married in August. They are
on a limited budget and can only afford to have 200 people at the
reception. But, they would like everyone to attend the wedding if
they would like. How do you invite folks to the wedding without
including them for the reception? Thanks! |
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|
The simple answer is that when the guest list for the ceremony
excess that for the reception, a separate card is enclosed with
the wedding invitation for those guests who are invited to the
reception as well. The use of a separate reception card sets it
apart from the combined wedding invitation which informs guests
that the reception immediately follows the ceremony. I'm sure the
printer your friend plans to order the invitations from can assist
in the format and wording.
Of
course, keep in mind that often these days a combined invitation
is used. So there's always a chance that a guest who receives the
wedding invitation without the enclosed reception card may presume
they're invited to the reception as well. It may be best for the
bride, groom and their families to casually mention to their
friends (I'm presuming that all family members would be invited to
attend both ceremony and reception that budgetary and space
constraints limit the number of guests to be invited to the
reception. It may help avoid confusion and hurt feelings. |
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Resort
Wedding Attire
We will be going to a resort. The suggested apparel for a special
dinner is evening resort attire. What does this mean? Would a
little black dress be appropriate or do you have suggestions?
Thanks |
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|
Thanks
for your recent emailed question. Sounds like your destination
wedding will be lovely. As for the appropriate attire, a little
black dress would be great. My opinion is that "evening
resort attire" would include a cocktail dress, a dressy suit
or 2 piece ensemble. Resort attire is usually less formal, so I
don't think a long dress or gown would be appropriate. The choice
is yours, depending on what you feel most comfortable with. |
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Grandparent's
Attire
I would like to know can Grandparent's of the Bride wear a dressy
Pant suit or is more proper to wear a long dress that blends in
with the colors of the Bridesmaid. |
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|
The
best answer I can give you is to take your que for selecting your
attire from the formality of your grandchild's wedding. If it's an
informal wedding, it would be appropriate to wear a cocktail dress
or dressy suit. If it's a more formal wedding, even if it's a
daytime ceremony, you could wear either a long dress, a cocktail
dress or formal suit. You may want to wear the same length dress
as the mother of the bride and mother of the groom. As for the
color, it needn't blend with the bridesmaids' dresses. You may
want to discuss your color selection with your grandchild. I'm
sure he/she would enjoy being part of this process. |
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|
Mother
of the Bride's Attire
Is it proper to for the mother of the bride to wear an ivory
colored dress? |
|
|
Long
ago, it was considered inappropriate for anyone to wear white or
ivory to a wedding except for the bride herself. These days,
that's no longer true. My opinion is it's entirely appropriate for
you to wear an ivory dress to your daughter's wedding, especially
if this color suits your complexion. I'm sure your daughter would
enjoy helping you in selecting your dress style and color so enjoy
shopping together! |
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Addressing
Invitations
My roommate is getting married in May and is writing out the
invitations. A relative recently lost her husband and my roommate
is not sure how to address the invitation. Should it say "and
guest" or just the widow's name? Also, what age do you
generally stop putting the children's names on the parent's
invitation if they are still living at home? There are a few that
are in their mid to late 20s. Should they get their own invitation
instead? |
|
|
Concerning
your first question, the invitation to the widow should be
addressed in her name only (ex.: Mrs. ......). Since she was
recently widowed, this may not apply but if your roommate knows
she currently has a significant other, then she may address the
inner envelope "Mrs. .... and guest".
With
regard to your second question, children over the age of 13 should
receive separate invitations. so in your roommate's case, separate
invitations should be sent to those adult children living with
their parents. |
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|
Wedding
Program Wording
I am getting married very soon and would like to hand out
programs. I am having a terrible time finding examples of
statements where I can acknowledge our deceased grandparents and
grandparents that could not travel a long distance to be at our
wedding. I would also like to thank everyone for attending and can
not come up with wording for that. Please give me some ideas. |
|
|
The
following is an example of wording to express your sentiments in
your wedding program.
"Thank you to our parents, siblings, family and friends for
being here to share this very special day with us, many of whom
have traveled long distances to be with us today. We also will be
thinking of those family members and friends who were not able to
join us today and will keep in our hearts the memory of those who
are no longer with us. We look forward to sharing many more joyous
occasions with all of you in the years to come."
Feel free to use this as a guide and change it as you feel
necessary. Hope this helps you out. |
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|
Wedding
Announcements After Elopement
My fiancee and I have decided to have a JOP wedding ceremony with
a small family BBQ afterwards. My sister recommends I send out
announcements afterwards. Should I send them out on the wedding
date all together? We have a 5 month old daughter and many of them
sent gifts for her, I don't want to appear money hungry or greedy. |
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|
The
simple answer to your question is that announcements are generally
mailed as soon as possible after the wedding, most often the next
day. However, if the couple elopes to get married, it's acceptable
to send out the announcements up to several months later. |
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|
Do
you need an engagement ring to address each other as "fiancee"?
My boyfriend and I have decided to get married after dating for 5
years. We have both been married before. We are currently in the
process of buying a house and he is financing a college education
for a child. We have not picked out a ring for me yet; is it
proper to address each other as "fiancee" without me
wearing an engagement ring yet? |
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|
My
opinion would be if your fiance has asked you to marry him and
you've accepted, you should feel free to refer to each other as
fiancee/fiance. I think it's appropriate especially if you've made
a commitment to each other to marry and if you've shared your
intentions with your family and friends. The fact that you don't
have a ring doesn't make a difference. Many brides don't want to
wear an engagement ring, preferring instead to only wear their
wedding ring once married. Basically, it's your judgment call
depending on what you're comfortable with. But I hope this answers
your question. |
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|
Inviting
Coworkers to the Wedding
I am getting married and would like to invite my coworkers. There
are about 100 coworkers. I cannot get a list of names and
addresses from work. Us it acceptable to have them sign up for an
invite with their name/address and spouse? |
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|
Although
traditionally wedding invitations are mailed to the guests, I can
suggest an alternative that may help you resolve your problem.
I don't
think posting a sign up sheet at work is appropriate. Instead, I
think it would be better to leave an invitation at each coworker's
desk or work station. If you don't know their last name, just
address the outer envelope with their first name. As for those
coworkers that you don't know their first names, you may want to
reconsider including them on your guest list. I don't mean to be
cold, but do you really want to invite people when you don't know
their first name? Although it's a nice gesture to invite all your
coworkers, you're not obligated to do so.
I think
leaving the invitations at each person's work station is a much
better alternative than posting a sign up sheet, which can be
considered to be very impersonal. |
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|
Addressing
Invitations
When addressing inside envelope of wedding invitations, is it
appropriate to be a little less formal with brothers, sisters,
parents, grandparents, etc.? For example, would you put
"Uncle Henry and Aunt Rebecca" on the inside or
"Dad and Mom"- rather than "Mr. and
Mrs." |
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|
The
simple answer to your question is, yes, it's entirely appropriate
to use a more familiar reference on the inner envelopes of
invitations to immediate family members. The outer envelope should
still follow the formal format for the address (ex.: Mr. and Mrs.
John Q. Smith). I think the family members also appreciate it when
the inner envelope is addressed as you mentioned in your example
(Uncle Henry and Aunt Rebecca). However, the inner envelopes
addressed to friends, acquaintances, coworkers, etc. should follow
the formal format (ex.: Mr. and Mrs. Smith). |
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|
Requesting
Money as Gift
I know its not proper to request money, but I will be doing it
anyway. What would be a nice way to request. I will be
putting it on on insert. We are wanting to purchase a home after
we are married and the cash would be the best gift. Please Help |
|
|
Thanks
for your recent etiquette question. While I understand
you and your fiance's desire to save money to
buy a home together, I don't think you should request
a monetary gift from your wedding guests. In my
opinion, it's not appropriate to request a specific gift,
especially not a monetary gift.
While
bridal registries are common today and serve a practical
purpose by giving guests an idea of what the engaged
couple needs for their new home together, it's not
an outright request for gifts but rather a guide to
be used by wedding guests. Though many guests do opt
to give a monetary gift, even if the couple is registered,
I think it's in bad taste to request money as
a gift. Remember you're inviting your wedding guests
to share in your happiness as you begin your married
life together, not because you want a gift from
them. Also, your guests may be offended by a request
for a specific gift, rather than letting them select
a gift for you.
I
strongly disagree with your plans to insert a card with
your invitations specifically requesting a gift of
money. Rather than doing that, if you insist on asking
for a monetary gift, I think it might be more tactful
to ask your family members and close friends to
pass along the word to other guests that you prefer a
gift of money which you can apply to your savings for
a new home. |
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Parents
Guests
Both my and my fiance's parents are divorced. My father is dating
a woman (for 5 months) and he wants to bring her to the wedding in
October. My parents, fiance, and his parents feel it is not
appropriate or comfortable for my dad to bring her girlfriend
since they are not married and have not been together very long.
None of them would bring a date even if they had one to bring.
But, my dad is offended that I would not invite her. What should I
do? |
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Your
question raises a common problem today which can often be
a dilemma for the bride and groom. My
best advice to you is to have a heart to heart talk
with your dad and express your feelings about his wish to bring
his girlfriend to your wedding. I think by
telling your dad that you would find it awkward for him
to bring a date to your wedding, it may help to diffuse
a potentially volatile situation. It may also help
to make him accept the situation if you explain that
neither you nor your fiance's divorced parents will
be bringing a date to the wedding, so he doesn't feel
he's being treated differently. I'm sure your dad
wants your wedding day to be special for you and that
he would respect your feelings. Surely he wouldn't
do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable
at your wedding. |
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Destination
Weddings
We were invited to a very small wedding for a close family friend.
The wedding is on a Friday afternoon and in a resort location -
everyone will need to travel to the event. We plan to attend, but
will need to miss a day of work, spend almost $200 on a hotel
room, plus meals, etc. for travel. I wouldn't want to miss this
occasion, but am now uncertain how much to spend on a gift. In the
Chicago area, it is common to spend at least $50 per person on a
gift - a total of $100 per couple - (to cover the cost of your
meal). I feel really torn between wanting to get them a nice gift
since they are close friends, yet struggling because financially
this is an expensive excursion. Do you have any advice? |
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I
understand
your situation. Attending a destination wedding
can often be an expensive proposition. The simple
answer is this....No matter what you feel the rule
of thumb is in your geographic area on how much you
should spend on a wedding gift, the ultimate decision
is driven by each guest's individual budget.
You should spend
only that amount that fits your budget.
In
planning a destination wedding, the bride and groom
are aware that their guests will have to pay to travel
to the resort and, as a result, may not be able to
spend as much on a wedding gift. They certainly shouldn't
expect you to "break the bank" to attend their
wedding. The point is that the couple knows you're
traveling to share in their happiness and I'm sure
they'll appreciate whatever your wedding gift to them
is. |
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Child's
Participation in Second Wedding
This is my 2nd wedding, his first. I have a
6yr old daughter that I want to be very much a part of he
ceremony. Would it be appropriate to have her walk with me
down the aisle? I'd also like for her dress to match mine. What do
you think? Thanks!!! |
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I
think it
would be a lovely gesture to include your daughter in
your marriage ceremony. It may help her to feel more
a part of your new family.
Though
traditionally junior bridesmaids are between the
ages of 8 and 14, you may wish to have her serve as
a junior bridesmaid, as your flower girl or to walk with
you down the aisle. You should make your decision based
on what is most comfortable for you and your daughter.
Traditionally,
the bride's dress is a little different
from any of her attendant's dresses, even if the
dresses are similar in style. Again, it's up to you
if you'd like your daughter's dress to match yours. |
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Division
of Expenses
Who pays for what traditionally? |
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Here's
a list
of what each family traditionally pays for when planning
a wedding. Keep in mind this list is just a guide
and you can modify it to suit your needs and budget.
It's very common today for the bride and groom
to pay most of their wedding expenses. Likewise,
it's also become very common for the groom's family
to offer to share in many of the wedding expenses,
beyond those expenses traditionally covered by
his family.
Expenses
Paid by the Bride/Bride's Family include:
a bridal
consultant; invitations, announcements and enclosures;
bride's wedding dress and accessories; flowers
for ceremony and reception; bridesmaids' flowers;
bride's bouquet; photographer and videographer;
music for church and reception; transportation
of bridal party to ceremony and from ceremony
to reception; the reception; gifts for bride's
attendants; bride's gift to groom; groom's wedding
ring; awning rentals, if any, and carpet for church
aisle; clergy's fee; a traffic officer, if necessary;
transportation and accommodations for officiant;
accommodations for bride's attendants; and the
bridesmaids' luncheon, if one is given by the bride.
Expenses
Paid by the Groom/ Groom's Family include:
bride's
engagement and wedding rings; groom's gift to bride;
gifts for groom's attendants; accommodations for
groom's attendants; boutonnieres for the groom's attendants;
ties and gloves for the groom's attendants; bride's
bouquet, if it's the local custom to do so; bride's
going-away corsage; corsages for immediate members
of both families; clergy's fees/donation; transportation
and accommodations for the officiant; the
marriage license; transportation of groom and best man
to the ceremony; the honeymoon; the rehearsal dinner;
the bachelor dinner, if the groom hosts a dinner;
and transportation and accommodation of groom's
parents. |
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Groom
's Expenses
What should the groom's parents pay for in the
wedding? |
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Below
is a list of
expenses traditionally paid for by the groom and/or his
family. Remember this list is just a guide and you
should tailor it to suit your needs and/or budget.
Groom/Groom's
Family Expenses include:
bride's engagement
and wedding rings; groom's present to bride;
gifts for the groom's attendants; accommodations
for the groom's attendants; boutonnieres,
ties and gloves for the groom's attendants;
bride's bouquet, if it's local custom to do
so; bride's going-away corsage; corsages for immediate
members of both families; the clergy's fee/donation;
transportation and accommodation of officiant;
the marriage license; transportation of groom
and best man to ceremony; the honeymoon; the rehearsal
dinner; the bachelor dinner, if the groom hosts
a dinner; and transportation and accommodation of
groom's parents. |
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Question:
Stepmother's Attire
I am a
stepmother. The grooms mother will be at the wedding. The mother
of the bride and the grooms mother have advised they are wearing
mid-length dresses. My husband will be in a tux. Would it be
alright if I wore a white suit? It is a late afternoon wedding in
August. |
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I
think wearing
a suit would be appropriate. You didn't give me
any information about the formality of the wedding, but
I'm guessing it's not a formal affair since neither
of the mothers is wearing a long dress/gown.
Whether
it's a formal or informal daytime wedding, either
long or short dresses are considered appropriate
attire for the mothers and stepmothers of the
bride and groom.
Long
ago it was considered taboo for a wedding guest to
wear white at a wedding. But these days, that doesn't
seem to be a concern anymore. So I think white,
or any color you choose, would be fine. Enjoy
the festivities! |
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Question:
Amount to Spend on a Wedding Gift
What would be the proper amount of money to spend on a wedding
gift for a niece
or nephew? |
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The
simple answer
to your inquiry is there's no set amount on what
a relative or friend should spend on a wedding gift.
While some people say the amount you spend on a
wedding gift should be the approximate amount the couple
is spending per guest on the reception, I don't agree
with that. Often times you may be particularly close
to the relative or friend who's getting married and
may want to be a bit extravagant in your gift selection.
Your decision
should be based on your own taste in selecting
a gift and on your budget. It may sound trite,
but remember it's the thought that counts! |
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Question:
Cancelled Wedding
What is
the proper wedding etiquette for a guest if the wedding is
cancelled, but the reception is still on? If I attend the
reception, is a gift necessary? |
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Your
inquiry
poses an usual situation as usually when the wedding
itself is cancelled, the reception is cancelled
as well. The
general rule is that if the wedding is cancelled,
any gifts the couple has received must be returned
to the donor. If the ceremony is just postponed,
the gifts are kept for the future marriage. Perhaps
the reception is being held to have a party, instead
of having all the plans go to waste and the couple
losing the money they've already spent on the reception.
Though there's
no specific answer to your question, I would
say if you haven't sent a gift already, you shouldn't feel
obligated to bring a gift to the party when
the wedding's been cancelled. If you feel it would
be awkward to go without a gift, it could be a small
gift. Hope
this solves your dilemma. |
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Question:
Introduction Party
My son and future daughter-in-law live in Las Vegas and are
getting married in New Hampshire. Her parents will be coming from
Mexico and I have not meet her or her family. I am the one
planning (with their input) the wedding. I want to introduce her
and her mom and her friends to my family. I am planning an
introduction/shower type of party. How should I phrase an
invitation and explain it would be difficult to take gifts back to
their residence? |
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I
think it's great
that you're planning an event for both sides of the
family to get to know each other. As
I'm sure you know, it's traditional for the groom's
family to invite the bride's family over for dinner
once the couple is engaged to initiate this process
of the families getting acquainted. It's up to
you whether you decide to host a dinner for your future
daughter-in-law and her family to meet your family
or if you want to take care of the introductions
at the bridal shower. If you plan to do it
as one party, there's no need to mention that in the
invitation. Just casually introduce her and her family
to each of the guests you've invited. However, I
think it may be a bit less overwhelming for everyone
if
you host a dinner for the bride and her family first.
This way at the shower, in my opinion, her family
should feel a bit more comfortable since they will
have already met the immediate family.
As for the gift
issue, you may want to spread the word
to your guests when you speak with them that they should
consider giving gifts that are easy to transport
or ship home due to the fact that the bride and
groom reside out of state. I don't think you should
include that information on the invitation.
Another option
would be for the guests to ship the gifts
directly to the couple's home. Many stores that offer
gift registries also offer shipping services to make
it easier on the guest and the couple. |
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Question:
Guest's Attire
Can you tell me is it proper to wear a black dress to an afternoon
wedding? |
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I
think it would be
fine for you to wear black to an afternoon wedding. Black
is often thought of as the most chic color to wear
to any special occasion. So you should wear whatever
color you feel comfortable in. |
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Question:
Second Wedding
What is the waiting period after divorce in order to marry
legally? And
if the divorce is in Oklahoma State does this matter? |
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There
is no
legal waiting period after a divorce is finalized. Once
the marriage is dissolved by a divorce, you are free
to remarry. When applying for your marriage license,
you may have to provide proof of the dissolution
of your earlier marriage.
If you
feel emotionally that you should wait a certain
amount of time before remarrying, that's a personal
decision. You should do what makes you feel comfortable
and you should never rush into a marriage. |
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Ideas
for an Inexpensive Reception:
I need advice on how to have an inexpensive reception for my son
& daughter in law 3 weeks after their wedding. We are having a
reception/shower together, and I'm not sure how to go about the
invitations and etc. Please help me |
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|
First
of all, I'm presuming that the bride's family is giving a
reception after the ceremony and that the reception you plan on
having is for family and friends who were unable to attend the
ceremony/reception perhaps because of the geographical distance.
Such a party in honor of the newlyweds is a chance for the groom's
parents to introduce their friends to the happy couple.
This
reception may be as simple or formal as the groom's parents wish
and as their budget permits. But it should never be an attempt to
compete with the reception which immediately followed the
ceremony. If the wedding invitations were issued in the name of
the bride's family, the invitations to your later reception should
not be mailed with the wedding invitations or announcements. Your
invitations should be mailed about 2 weeks before the reception
and can be written on your stationery. The invitations should
include the wording "In honor of [insert bride's and groom's
names]. If you decide on a formal party, you can send out engraved
invitations. A wedding cake shouldn't be served. The bride may
wear her wedding dress if she desires so that those guests who
weren't able to attend the ceremony can see her dress. However, no
other members of the bridal party should wear what they wore to
the wedding ceremony. This reception can be held at your home or
in a restaurant. Though there is no receiving line, the bride,
groom and groom's parents should say near the door to greet their
guests as they arrive. Your budget and your own personal taste
will dictate what type, if any, music to have at the reception. A
nice touch would be to display any photos of the wedding at this
reception. I know this email includes a lot of information, but I
hope it helps you in planning this later reception. |
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Question:
Inviting Co-workers...
I have approximately 15 co-workers. I am having a destination
wedding and trying to keep a small budget. I'm only ordering 50
invitations. Is it ok to send one invitation to all co-workers?
There will be very few, if any, to come, but I do want them all to
know they are welcome to come. |
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I
understand your
budgetary concerns, but an invitation should be sent
to each person you wish to invite to your destination
wedding. It wouldn't be appropriate to issue
one group invitation. I think that's very impersonal.
Perhaps an alternative to the more costly printed/engraved
wedding invitations is to buy some preprinted
wedding invitations and send those invitations
to your co-workers. These are fill-in-the-blank
style and can be found at any party goods
store. This way each co-worker can get an invitation
without breaking your bank. Hope
this solves your dilemma. |
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Question:
Monetary Wedding Gifts
What is an appropriate or acceptable dollar amount to give a niece
for her wedding? |
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The
simple answer to
your question is that there's no rule of thumb on what
dollar amount to give a relative as a wedding gift.
The amount should be based on how close you are to
your niece and based on your budget. If you and your
niece are particularly close, you may want to give
a larger amount. |
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Question:
Monetary Wedding Gifts
Is there any "rule" about gift giving at a weddings
you are in or attending if your flight, hotel, and week stay cost
over $1000.00 to start? |
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The
simple
answer to your question is that there's no rule of
thumb on the amount to give if you choose to give a monetary
gift. The amount of your gift should be dictated
by how close you feel to the bride and/or groom
and based on your personal budget.
In
your case,
since you're in the wedding and incurring expenses
to travel to the wedding, you may want to consider
contributing to a group gift with other out-of-town
guests or other members of the bridal party.
By pooling your money, you'd be able to give a larger
monetary gift or buy or more substantial gift as
a group. Remember, it's the thought that counts, not
the actual amount of you monetary gift. |
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Question:
Addressing Wedding Invitations
Which is proper etiquette: Fred and Susan Jones, Jr. or Fred
Jones, Jr. and Susan Jones. |
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I'm
presuming your question is referring to addressing
your wedding invitations.
The
proper format for the outer envelope would be:
Mr. and Mrs. Fred Jones, Jr.
No abbreviations
should be
used in addressing the wedding invitations. If you use
a person's middle name, it must be written out completely.
If this guests full name is Frederick, for
example, that would be more proper than using "Fred."
However, "Junior" may be abbreviated.
The
correct
format for the inner envelope would be:
Mr. and
Mrs. Jones.
However,
if this is an invitation to an
intimate relative, the inner envelope can be addressed
Aunt Susan and Uncle Fred, for example, or Fred
and Susan. |
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Question:
Wedding Gifts for a Couple Who Elopes...
Should a gift be sent to a couple that elopes? |
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It's
perfectly
acceptable to send a wedding gift to a couple
who has eloped instead of having a more traditional
wedding. Although there's no obligation to
give a gift, it's a thoughtful way to show the newlyweds
that you share in their happiness. |
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Question:
Double Wedding
We are planning on attending a double wedding, the brides are
sisters. We only know one of the grooms. What is the
correct thing to do as far as gifts are concerned? |
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How
nice that you're invited to a double wedding...they don't happen
that often!
In
response to your question, you should give a gift to each couple,
even if you don't know one of the grooms that well. Since it's
obviously more expensive to give 2 gifts at the same time, you
should determine what your gift-giving budget is before going
shopping.
You
should try to spend a similar amount on each gift,so each couple
is treated equally. However, don't feel limited in your gift
selection. You needn't give the same gift to both couples.
Remember a double wedding is unique and each couple is also
separate and distinct. |
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Question:
Mother of the Bride Attire
The bride's mother still hasn't decided on what to wear to our
children's wedding (second marriage). The wedding is in three
weeks. I have purchased a black very classic silk dress. Will this
be appropriate? |
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I
think a classicly styled dress is always appropriate. While
traditionally neither the mother of the bride nor the groom wear
black to the wedding (even if one of them is in mourning), color
selections are more flexible these days. It also used to be taboo
for a wedding guest to wear white, but many women guests do that
today. In short, you should wear whatever color you believe
flatters your complexion/appearance. Enjoy the wedding! |
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Question:
Who pays for bridesmaids hair styling?
Does the brides parents pay for the bridesmaids hair updos or is
it up to the bridesmaids to pay for it? |
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The
simple answer to your question is that though each bridesmaid pays
for her dress and all accessories, some (but not all) brides will
offer to pay for the bridesmaids to have their hair, nails and/or
makeup done. It can be a fun day at the salon for the bride and
her entire bridal party. If the bride hasn't told you she's
planning to pay for the updos, you should plan on paying to have
your hair,nails and/or makeup done. |
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Questions:
Marriage Announcements /Bridal Shower
My friend's daughter is getting married with immediate family
only. Is it proper to send friends an announcement of their
marriage? Also, I would like to give the bride a shower. Is it
proper to have one even though the people are not invited to
the wedding? |
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To
answer your question, announcements aren't obligatory, but it
would be nice for your friend to send announcements of her
daughter's wedding since the number of wedding guests is to be
limited. They do not carry any obligation and recipients are not
expected to send a wedding gift. Announcements, however, are not
sent to anyone who received an invitation to the wedding. Your
friend should mail out the announcements as soon as possible after
her daughter's wedding.
As for
the bridal shower, though close friends are a likely choice to
host a shower, I would be reluctant to do so in your case if
you're not invited to the ceremony. Traditionally, all bridal
shower guests should be invited to the wedding. While I'm sure
your wish to host the shower is your expression of sharing in your
friend's and her daughter's happiness, this may be a delicate
situation if you're not invited to the wedding. You could discuss
your plans to host a party with your friend and see how she feels
about it. Another option may be to host a party for the newlywed
bride after the wedding, not calling it a "bridal
shower." |
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Question:
Asking a member of the bridal party to step down
Someone that I had asked to be a bridesmaid has proven to be
someone that is causing me stress! How do I ask this person
to step down and that I no longer want her to be a part of this
day? |
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Your
situation truly poses a dilemma and should be handled gingerly.
Rather than asking this attendant to step down, I would first try
talking with her to explain the additional stress she's causing
you. She may not know the stress she's causing and may change her
behavior if you tell her what's bothering you. If that doesn't
help to clear the air and resolve your differences, you may feel
you have no choice but to ask her not to be part of your wedding.
However, I would strongly recommend that should be your last
resort. Presumably this person is a friend (your email didn't give
that information), but whether she's a friend or relative, it's
almost certainly the end of your relationship if you ask her to
step down. |
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Question:
Including my child in the wedding ceremony...
I am a single mother and am getting remarried. My fiance has never
been married before. We want to include my little boy in the
ceremonies. Could you please help me find website that have
answers to the many questions I have about the etiquette
when the bride has a child and has been married before. |
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A
good source of information on planning a second wedding is an
article on the Atlantic City Weddings website. The link is:
http://www.atlanticcityweddings.com/articles/secondweddings.htm
Other
suggestions would be to do a search using the words "second
weddings" or visit the site "Ask Jeeves" for
information. Hope this information is helpful to you. |
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Question:
Monetary Gifts
What is the appropriate monetary gift to give a cousin for a
wedding in 2003? |
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|
Thanks
for your emailed question. The simple answer is
the amount of the monetary gift should fit your budget.
Generally, I would say wedding guests tend to give
more generous monetary gifts to a bride/groom who is
a relative. But this doesn't mean you should over extend
yourself. I've seen some family members give monetary
gifts from $50 to thousands of dollars. In addition
to your budget, take into consideration how emotionally
close you are to your cousin. For example,
you may be inclined to give a larger gift to a
cousin you've been close to most of your life or consider
more as a sibling than a cousin.
Hope
this information helps you to decide on the amount
of your gift. Enjoy the wedding! |
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Question
- Do you return the wedding gifts if the marriage didn't even last
a year?
I have recently decided to end my 6-month marriage. I would
like to know the proper etiquette on how to return our wedding
gifts. |
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I
am sorry to hear that your marriage did not work out. Regarding
proper etiquette on the wedding gifts, if the marriage had been
called off, proper etiqutte would be to return the gifts.
However, since
you were married for 6 months, I would assume that some of the
cash gifts have been spent and most of the household gifts have
been opened and used. The dilemma is do you return unopened or
unused gifts but not the ones that are opened? There is no easy
way to do that so I would say, no you do not need to return the
gifts.
However, if you
or your husband received any family heirlooms as gifts you should
return those. For example, if the groom's parents gave you their
family silver or your parents gave your husband a family heirloom
like a grandfather's watch these would be gifts to return. Family
heirlooms are meant to stay in the family. A toaster or blender
that has been opened and used, on the other hand, can not be
returned to a store and has a monetary value only vs. a
sentimental one.
As for the
balance of the gifts, how you divide these equitably can be a
source of contention. Hopefully the two of you can work out how to
divide the gifts and come to a unanimous decision on any gifts
that may have been heirlooms.
While it is
quite unfortunate that you are ending your marriage after only 6
months, sometimes it is for the better to find this out early in a
marriage. Best of luck to you in the future! |
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Question
- Who gets invited to the rehearsal dinner?
We need help with who to invite to the rehearsal dinner.... do the
people who bring up the Offertory gifts at a Catholic wedding, and
the servers need to be invited? They don't really need to be at
the rehearsal, so do they have to be invited to the dinner? Also,
should close relatives be invited even if they are not in the
wedding? We are the groom's parents, and have a received a list
from the bride's side as to who THEY want to invite to the
rehearsal dinner, and there are some relatives who are not in the
wedding, and we do not think they need to be there. We are trying
to watch OUR budget. Thank you. |
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|
Thanks
for your recently emailed question. In reply to your question, the
guidelines for the rehearsal dinner given by the groom's parents
are quite general.
Since
you're hosting the dinner, it is your decision as to how elaborate
or simple the event will be. The etiquette guidelines recommend
that the invitation list should include: the bridal party and
their spouses/significant others, the bride's parents,
grandparents of the bride and groom, and the clergy person
performing the ceremony. I would also add to this list anyone
doing readings, offerings or otherwise participating in the
wedding ceremony.
I can
tell you from personal experience that these days rehearsal
dinners have grown to be quite large and often include family and
close friends who're attending the wedding from out of town.
Although that's a nice gesture, the purpose of the rehearsal
dinner isn't to invite all those guests who've traveled to attend
the wedding. I personally prefer smaller than larger rehearsal
dinners, but that decision is up to you and your husband as the
parents of the groom.
As the
hosts of this dinner, you and your husband should set the tone
regarding how large/small an affair you'd like to plan as well as
what would fit within your budget. My best advice to you is to
discuss your wishes on the type of dinner you're planning with
your son and his bride so there are no misunderstandings.
Good luck to
you! |
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Question
- Is an evening suit appropriate for an afternoon wedding?
My niece is getting married in the afternoon (2:00 p.m.). It will
be a formal wedding. I need to know if it's o.k. to wear a dark
blue silk evening suit and suede shoes? |
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|
The
etiquette guidelines recommend women guests should wear a street
length cocktail dress for a formal daytime wedding and either a
long or short dress for a formal evening wedding. If the ceremony
is in the afternoon and the reception in the evening, it's
acceptable to wear a long dress to both the ceremony and the
reception. I think the ensemble you've selected sounds
lovely. Enjoy the festivities! |
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|
Question
- Do I buy a corsage for my (step) father's girlfriend?
My mother passed away several years ago and my Stepfather raised
me since then. My father is less than a part of my life. I am very
close to my stepfather. I am now getting married and my step
father, who is paying for the entire wedding, has had a
girlfriend for about a year. Do I order a corsage for his
girlfriend to wear at my wedding? What is the correct etiquette
for this situation? |
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|
The
simple answer to your question is there's not clear-cut answer. I
think it would be a nice gesture to order a corsage for your
step-dad's girlfriend, especially if she'll be seated with him
during the ceremony. It sounds like your step-dad is in a
committed relationship with this woman and since corsages aren't
too expensive, I think it would be fine to order one for her. But
remember, it's your judgment call so do what makes you feel
comfortable. |
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Question
- What is the proper etiquette for a cocktail reception? Do I
have to have tables with seating arrangements and how do we go
about the speeches and toasts? |
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In
reply to your question, if your wedding reception is to be a
cocktail reception, the etiquette guidelines recommend that there
should be ample tables/chairs so that your guests can sit down to
enjoy their appetizers, beverages and wedding cake. The tables
should be covered with a tablecloth and centerpieces are optional.
Since you needn't provide enough tables/chairs for all the guests
to be seated at the same time, there's no need for formal seating
arrangements or placecards. However, if a full meal is being
served, there must be seating for all guests.
As for
the toasts, the recommended guidelines are that the best man makes
the first toast to the bride and groom, and then other members of
the bridal party may offer toasts as well if they wish. Next the
groom toasts his bride and his new parents-in-law. |
|
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Question
- Proposing to a boyfriend, do you need a ring?
Seeing as 2004 is a leap year, I am wanting to ask my boyfriend to
marry me, but I am unsure of the proper etiquette. Do I have to
buy him a ring? |
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|
Your
plans sound very exciting. Unfortunately, there are no etiquette
guidelines I'm aware of concerning when a woman wishes to propose
to a man. An engagement ring isn't required to become engaged. My
best advice to you would be to follow your heart and express your
feelings to your intended. Though traditionally the man proposes
to the woman, many couples today are breaking with the old
traditions and forging ahead with new ones. Your boyfriend may
find your proposal refreshing. |
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|
Question-
re: Family difficulties regarding wedding plans, wedding expenses
and the guest list.
My stepdaughter is getting married in May. Although we have
offered to pay for the wedding she wants no help from us. Her
mother is paying for everything. The problem is her mother does
not want to include any of my children or other family ;
grandparent step siblings or aunts and uncles. We have been
a blended family since 1997. She has always been close to my side
of our family. The only one allowed to be invited with my husband
is me.
This is
very upsetting to my husband as well as my children. What is the
proper thing to do in this situation? The reason her mother will
not let us pay is so she can have total control. She said
she is having security at the wedding if anyone other than
the two of us show up, and she will not hesitate to have them
arrested. My husband has always been close to his daughter and
stayed in constant contact with her as well as paying all her
bills and school expenses and child support. The mother does not
even have a job and cannot be paying for! the wedding
herself to the best of our knowledge. What should be done?? Thank
You for your response. |
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|
You
and your family are definitely in an awkward situation.
While etiquette guidelines suggest a division of wedding expenses,
with the bride's family carrying the bulk of the expenses, these
traditional guidelines have been modified over many years.
However, it was not my understanding that this division of wedding
expenses was done so one family or the other could assert control
over the wedding. In my opinion, taking "control" is not
appropriate.
Today's
trend is for the bride's and groom's families to share in the
wedding expenses. This is probably because the costs of the
wedding have become very expensive and also from the groom's
desire to become more involved in the planning of the wedding
ceremony and reception.
From
your description of the situation, it sounds like hostile feelings
abound. My advice to you and your family is to see if you, your
husband, the bride and groom, and the bride's mom can talk things
out and reach a temporary truce. It would be a good idea to
include the groom's parents too. Though emotions can run high when
planning a wedding, everyone's overall focus should be the bride
and groom and respecting their wishes. Remember, this is the
bride's and groom's special day and no one should
"control" the planning of the wedding. Perhaps the bride
and groom need to take the initiative and remind everyone of this.
If the bride and groom make it clear they want all members of
their large and "blended" family to be included in the
wedding, everyone should respect that no matter what. On the other
hand, some brides prefer to have their mom take charge and plan
the whole wedding. If this is the case, then that decision should
be respected as well. Maybe by talking things out, everyone can
agree to put aside any feelings of ill will, albeit temporary.
Good
luck to you and your family! |
|
|
Question
- Appropriate attire for 5pm wedding
My
husband and I have been invited to a 5 p.m. wedding on 3-27. It will be
followed by a dinner and dancing. What is appropriate attire? Must I wear a long dress? Does my husband have to wear a
tuxedo? |
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|
If this
evening wedding will be semiformal or informal, it would be fine for you to wear a cocktail dress and
your husband to wear a dark suit. If it's to be a formal affair, etiquette guidelines give you the
option of wearing a long or short dress. If it is formal and the women guests will be wearing long
dresses, the men should wear tuxedos; however if the women will be wearing short/cocktail dresses, the men
would wear dark suits.
You may want to check with the bride or someone in
her family to determine whether this will be a formal or informal event so you can make your dress
selection.
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Question
- Can we have cake and soda in lieu of a reception?
Would it be appropriate
to have cake and sodas (in a cooler) right after the outdoor wedding in lieu of a reception if we have no money? Where would people leave gifts?
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|
I think you
can be creative in serving your wedding cake to your guests, no matter what your budget. Your idea of
placing the sodas in a cooler would be fine. Other ideas would be to use large plastic or metal tubs as a
cooler for the sodas. They may be larger in capacity and give you more room to work with. Even if you're
working with a limited budget, it's nice to offer the wedding cake and a beverage to your guests.
As for the wedding gifts, you can use a picnic table
or an outdoor table as your gift table. It doesn't have to be fancy, but it would be nice if it resembles
the table where your wedding cake will be displayed. You could even use folding tables covered with
disposable paper tablecloths for your cake and gift tables.
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Question
- Can we ask guests to pay for their meal at the reception?
How
would I word a reception invitation to invite guests from wedding to
join us at a local restaurant, but they need to pay for it themselves
because we cannot afford it? |
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The simple answer to
this question is that I strongly believe that it's inappropriate to invite
guests to your wedding but expect them to pay for their own meal. As such, there are no etiquette
guidelines on wording invitations in this manner.
When you invite someone to an event, it's understood that
they are your guest and you (as the host/hostess) will be covering the expenses. It would be in poor taste,
in my opinion, to expect your guests to foot the bill.
If serving a meal to your wedding guests is not
within your wedding budget, consider some less expensive options. Suggestions include: serving cake
and a light beverage (as you inquired about in your other email); serving only appetizers (example:
vegetables and dip) in addition to the wedding cake and beverage; or serving an assortment of
cookies/pastries and coffee/tea along with the wedding cake. You can also scale down the number of people on
your guest list to help stay within your budget. I think it's a nice gesture to simply serve wedding cake
and a light beverage (sparkling cider, punch, iced tea, etc.)
after your ceremony if your budgetary
constraints prevent you from serving a full meal to your wedding guests. Remember the important thing is
your guests are sharing this important day with you and offering them a light refreshment is a nice way to
show them you appreciate them being with you to share the day.
|
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Question
- For an
outdoor wedding, with no canopy, etc, should we use a unity
candle? (guests will be standing) |
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|
In reply to your other
question, you shouldn't feel obligated to use a unity candle in your wedding
ceremony if you don't want to. Its symbolism is nice, but there's no obligation that it be part of every
ceremony. My own wedding was an interfaith ceremony and I opted not to incorporate a unity candle in our
ceremony. It simply depends on your personal preference. My only comment is if you do decide to
use a unity candle at your outdoor ceremony, don't be disappointed if the candle's flame goes
out....after all, you can't control the weather. |
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|
Question
- Attire for the Step Mother
My step-daughter has
assured me that any color and any fashion I choose to wear to her early evening wedding is fine with her. We are very good friends with each other, but I won't be playing the roll of
"Mother-of-the-Bride". She has a very strained relationship with her real mother, and doesn't expect her to attend the wedding, but we both agree that should her mother decide to "show up", it might be
"healing" for the "mother-of-the-bride" "position" to still be open. Is a silky/dressy slack outfit with strappy
shoes acceptable, for me, or should I definitely wear a dress?
Also, what color would you suggest. The groom's mother is wearing a red dress with a
jacket. My husband, of course, will be in a tux. |
|
|
Thanks for your emailed
question. The answer to your question is that a long dress or cocktail dress would
be recommended by the etiquette guidelines whether your step-daughter's evening wedding will be
semiformal or formal. Though I've personally worn a dressy pants outfit to some friends' evening weddings,
I think as the bride's step-mother it's probably preferable that you wear a dress. As for the color,
you should wear whatever color you feel is flattering to your complexion. You needn't feel bound to wear a
shade of red, like the mother of the groom, since you said you don't plan on playing the role of the mother
of the bride. |
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|
Question:
Appropriate Attire
This is a strange one - I work in a retirement community and two
residents are getting married. They want an invitation to
the reception to all who live here in our monthly newsletter. How
do we say "jackets required" without sounding rude? If
we don't put something, some will show up in shorts! Serious! |
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The
only time I'm aware of that it's appropriate to indicate the
proper attire for a wedding reception is if it will be black tie.
To answer your question, I would suggest 2 options: 1) casually
spread the word among the community's residents that the attire
will be semi-formal, dressy casual, for example; or 2)format the
invitation in your newsletter more casually than a traditional
wedding invitation using a format like an invitation to a cocktail
party, holiday party, etc. For example, Please join us
for.......Date: Time: ,etc. and at the end you could include
wording indicating it's a semiformal, formal, dressy casual party,
etc. But I still think spreading the word by word of mouth would
be best. |
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Question:
Inviting Out-of-State Relatives to a Bridal Shower
Do you invite the groom's family to a bridal shower when they live
in Louisiana and the shower is in Kansas. They are all coming to
the wedding just wasn't sure what is proper about asking them to
the shower. |
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I
think you should invite the groom's family to the bridal shower,
even if they live out of state. It's likely they'll choose not to
attend because of the distance and will likely send a gift, but
they shouldn't be excluded from the bridal shower. Also, when the
bride's and groom's families are from different states, it's
common for a bridal shower to be planned in each state. I've seen
this happen many times. But even if this happens, the bride's and
groom's families should be invited to the bridal shower and it
should be their decision whether to travel to attend it or not. |
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|
Question:
Asking for money as a wedding gift
My younger sister is getting married in June. They've lived
together for 3 years. So they don't need anything as far as gifts
go. I know it is not proper to request money, as a gift in the
invitations sent out, would it be ok to ask by word of mouth? |
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|
Thanks
for your emailed question. Yes, it is inappropriate to directly
ask for a monetary gift. However, your sister and her fiance can
ask family members and friends to spread the word that they'd
prefer monetary gifts since they don't really need any household
items. Another way to hint at this is if your sister and her
fiance don't sign up for a bridal registry. Also, if most family
members and friends know the couple has been living together for
some time, they may guess that their home is fully furnished and
may opt to give a monetary gift on their own. |
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|
Question:
Inviting Co-workers to the Wedding
I just started working with a small firm of 8 people about 4
months ago. We work closely together, but I'm still trying to
"fit in". They all know I'm getting married and have
asked me to show them my dress and stuff like that, so naturally,
I have per their request. I have met some of their spouses, but do
not spend time with them outside of work, although I do know a lot
about all of their personal lives. My question is, should I feel
obligated to invite them? Do I invite them to attend on their own
or do I invite them to bring their spouses or a date? Finally, if
it is proper to invite them, should I give them an open invitation
or personal invitations sent to their homes? I am really in a
jam--I don't necessarily want all of them there, but if I leave
someone out, I'm afraid my work environment will be a nightmare!
PLEASE HELP!!!!! |
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|
The simple answer to your question is you should not feel
obligated to invite all your coworkers, no matter how long you've
been working there. However, if you do decide to invite your
coworkers, since it's a relatively small group I would recommend
that you invite all of them so no one feels left out. Bottom line,
I think you should be consistent. If you do invite them, you
should give each of them a written invitation. You can either hand
deliver them at work or mail them to their home addresses, as you
would to your other guests. If they're married, you must address
the invitation to both the husband and wife. If they're not
married, it's your judgment call if you want to extend the
invitation to a guest as well. Again, be consistent. If other
single wedding guests are being invited to bring a guest, your
single coworkers should be as well.
If you opt to not invite them, you can let them know
that your budget/space limitations preclude you from inviting
them. You can mention this casually when they ask how you're
wedding plans are coming along. Also, although I'm sure they all
mean well by asking to see your dress and about your wedding
plans, that doesn't necessarily mean they expect to be invited to
your wedding. |
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|
Question
- Appropriate Attire
What is the correct dress for guests at a large 6:00p.m.
wedding in a small Southern town? |
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|
The
etiquette guidelines recommend women guests should wear a cocktail
dress for a semi-formal or informal evening wedding and can choose
to wear either a long dress or a cocktail dress for a formal
evening wedding. Male guests should wear a dark suit for an
evening wedding and should wear a tuxedo to a formal evening
wedding if the female guests will be in long gowns. Keep in mind
these are guidelines only and not set in stone. |
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|
Question
- Asking for Monetary Gifts
My finance and I have both lived on our own for years. This will
be his second wedding and my first. We have already 2 living
households and would prefer people give us money instead of
wedding gifts. Is there a good way of stating this and should we
include our wishes on our invitations? |
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|
The
answer to your question is that you and your fiance should ask
your family members to casually spread the word among the rest of
your family and friends that you'd prefer monetary gifts since you
aren't in need of any household items. It would not be appropriate
to mention your request or preference for monetary gifts in your
invitations. Also, if you and your fiance don't register for any
gifts via a bridal registry, your guests may figure out you prefer
a monetary gift. |
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Question
- Changing the date of the Wedding
My son and his fiance need to change the date of their wedding.
The invitations went out last week. The new date is May 8, 2004.
What do we do? |
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The
etiquette guidelines recommend that wedding guests be notified of
a change in the wedding plans via phone, telegram or a printed
announcement. It's probably quicker to send out announcements with
the new wedding date, but you could also enlist the help of your
family and friends in calling all your guests to let them know of
the change. For the printed announcements, an example would be:
Mr. and Mrs. Jones regret that the marriage of their daughter,
[insert bride's name], has been postponed. The date of the wedding
has been changed from January first to March first.
I'm
sure the store where you ordered the invitations could help you
with these details, if you decide to mail out announcements. |
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|
Question:
Inviting guests to the bridal shower but not the wedding.
If I invite someone to my bridal shower, do I need to invite them
to the wedding? Also, I am inviting my father's cousin to my
wedding. We used to spend Christmas together. Do I
need to invite her brother who really was not there during
Christmas? |
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|
There's
no hard-line answer to your question. While not every female guest
on the wedding list must be invited to the bridal shower, it is
expected that if a woman is invited to the bridal shower she'll
also be invited to the wedding. Remember, showers are meant to be
a gathering of family and close friends.
As for
inviting your father's cousin's brother, that depends on the
closeness of your relationship with him. If you don't feel
especially close to this cousin's brother and don't normally
celebrate holidays/family events with him, you shouldn't feel
obligated to invite him to the wedding. An alternative may be to
send out a wedding announcement to this cousin and any other
distant relatives who were not invited to your wedding. Wedding
announcements don't carry the obligation of sending a gift. |
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|
Question
- If a wedding invitation is addressed to my fiancee and he can't
attend can I bring a friend or guest in his place? If a young
woman is engaged and receives an invitation addressed to both
herself and her fiance, but the bride-to-be definitely is aware
that the fiance can't possibly attend (he's serving in Iraq), is
the young woman allowed to ask a close female friend to accompany
her instead? Her fiance has known the bride-to-be for many years,
while for several months last year the person with this question
knew the latter only in a group setting but has now been sharing
rent for a few months (the bride-to-be is rarely home, so they are
friends but not close). Her fiance's parents will attend, and
she's been at home of the bride-to-be's parents several times for
casual dinners, but otherwise, in general she might have met
several people who will attend but not really know them beyond
that. She's very sensitive to the issue of expense if the
bride-to-be was literally counting on the fiance's inability to
attend, and she doesn't want to be presumptuous or cause offense.
On the other hand, the adults mentioned above will have so many
others with whom they want to or should spend time that she also
is concerned about their possibly feeling burdened by her
"aloneness". She must reply very soon to the invitation
and is really struggling between the safe answer (attending by
herself, no matter what her concerns/feelings) and the alternative
of being much more comfortable attending with someone who's close
to her and is her same age. |
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|
Though
I understand your concerns, I think the answer is straight
forward. Even though the bride may know your fiance is serving in
Iraq, when inviting a close friend (like your fiance) it is
appropriate to address the invitation to the friend and his/her
spouse or fiance/e. Since your fiance knows the bride better than
you, if you feel uncomfortable attending the wedding alone, you
should decline the invitation but still send a gift.
I don't
think it's appropriate to bring a close friend with you (female or
male) when the invitation was addressed to you and your fiance. If
you feel strongly about bringing a close female friend with you, I
would strongly recommend that you speak with the bride to ask if
this would be acceptable. Hope this helps you resolve your
concerns. |
|
|
Question
- Is it inappropriate to wear white to a wedding?
Am I old fashion or is it still inappropriate for anyone other
than the bride to wear white to a wedding? |
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|
You're
right that traditionally, only the bride wore white for the
wedding. But today, almost anything goes. I've been to daytime and
evening weddings wear some of the women guests have worn white
dresses. So it no longer seems to be taboo. I am a traditionalist
and believe that women guests can wear off-white/beige/ivory, but
I think the bride should be the only woman wearing white.
Ultimately, you should wear whatever color you feel is flattering
to your complexion. |
|
|
Question:
What is the proper attire for an afternoon wedding?
I have two questions. We are getting married on a boat while it is
docked and then will cruise for the reception. The wedding is from
2:30-3:00 and cruise is 3-5. What is proper attire for that time
frame.
Question:
Who do I ask to walk me down the aisle my dad or stepdad?
Second question is my father and step father are kind of
arguing over who will walk me down the aisle. I grew up with my
step dad, wasn't extremely close but he is the one who supported
me, a few years ago my biological dad started talking to me, I
don't want to hurt either one's feelings. |
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|
You
didn't indicate
in your question if you were inquiring about the
attire for you and your groom or the guests, so I'll
try to cover all bases for you. For
a formal or semiformal daytime wedding, you should
wear a long gown but for an informal daytime wedding
you could wear a short dress, cocktail dress or
suit. The groom should wear a tuxedo or a dark suit,
depending on what you'll be wearing. The mothers
of the bride and groom can wear either a long or
short dress for a formal or semiformal daytime wedding
or a cocktail dress for an informal daytime wedding.
Women guests may wear street-length cocktail dresses
and men guests should wear dark suits.
As
for who'll walk you down the aisle, if you don't want
to hurt your dad's or stepdad's feelings, I think the
best compromise may be to ask both of them to escort
you. If you or one of them is uncomfortable with
this, I recommend that you have some other special
role or function for the one who won't be accompanying
you down the aisle. This way, even if only
1 of them escorts you down the aisle, the other will
feel he's still playing an important part in your wedding.
It's your judgment call as to what will work best
for you and your family in this situation. |
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|
Question:
Attire for the grooms' stepfather?
What is the proper attire for the groom's stepfather? The
stepfather is not paying for any portion of the wedding and is not
in the wedding. |
|
|
Generally,
the groom's stepfather wears attire similar to that of the groom
and the groom's attendants, especially if you'll be standing in
the receiving line. If you won't be in the receiving line, and
you'd rather not dress formally, you can wear the same attire as
the other male guests will be wearing. So it would depend on how
formal or informal the wedding and reception will be. A dark suit
is appropriate mens' attire for any type of wedding, but a tuxedo
is appropriate at a formal evening wedding if the women guests
will be wearing long dresses. Your attire is not related to
whether you're paying any part of the wedding expenses. |
|
|
Question:
How many Bridal showers?
How many showers are the Mom and Family expected to go to? |
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|
There's
no set rule on this issue. It's common place today for a bride to
have more than 1 bridal shower, usually to accommodate families in
different cities. Regardless of the geographic distance, the
mothers of the bride and groom should always be invited and can
decline if distance precludes them from attending. You can always
send a gift if distance precludes you from attending.
I would
recommend that the mothers of the bride and groom try to attend as
many of the bridal showers as possible, distance and budgets
permitting. I think it's an excellent opportunity to get to know
the other side of the family in an relaxed setting. |
|
|
Question
- Appropriate Attire when the invitation specifies "Cocktail
Dress."
My boyfriend has invited me to an awards dinner (for his business)
and I'm confused by the required dress attire. It says,
"Tuxedo or Suit and Tie" for men, but only says
"Cocktail Dress" for women. My boyfriend
will be wearing a tuxedo and I would like to wear my long black
formal dress...however, it specifically says "cocktail
dress." Does this mean a long dress would be inappropriate?
Thank you so much for your help! |
|
|
Thanks
for your emailed question. Although it would be appropriate for
you to wear a long dress if the invitation indicates the mens'
attire is to be a tuxedo or suit and tie, you may feel a bit
awkward if you're the only woman attending the dinner in a long
dress, especially when the invitation indicates the womens' attire
is to be a cocktail dress. I think it's always best to follow the
attire guidelines noted on the invitation, if any.
My
suggestion would be to try to find out what some of the other
women will be wearing to the dinner. If it seems that most women
will be wearing cocktail dresses, I would recommend you do the
same. Consider it an excuse to go shopping to buy a fancy cocktail
dress, if you don't have one in your closet. |
|
|
Question
- How do we return bridal shower gifts if we've cancelled the
wedding?
My bridal shower was March 21 & now my fiance & I have
cancelled the wedding. How do I go about returning the gifts? Most
of them are really big. Do I bring them to the post
office & mail them with a note? |
|
|
I'm sorry to hear of your change in wedding plans. While the
etiquette guidelines recommend you return all gifts as soon as
possible when the wedding is cancelled, there are no guidelines
whether this must be done via the mail or in some other manner.
Since you mentioned the gifts are large, it may be easier for you
to return them by mail rather than being burdened with
transporting them yourself, especially if the gift-giver doesn't
live nearby. I think including a short note thanking the person
for their thoughtful gift and advising them you've decided to
cancel the wedding would be a nice idea. |
|
|
Question
- What percentage of the guest list is reserved for the parents of
the groom?
I am mother of the bride. I am paying for the entire wedding. What
percentage of the guest list am I required to give the parents of
the groom? |
|
|
In short, I would strongly recommend that you discuss with the
bride and groom the division of the guest list. Traditionally, the
bride and her family pay for most of the wedding ceremony and
reception expenses, regardless of how the guest list is divided.
From my experience, most of the time the guest list is divided
into thirds: 1/3 to the bride and groom; 1/3 to the parents of the
bride; and 1/3 to the parents of the groom. Another option is to
split the list in half, with 1/2 to the bride's parents and 1/2 to
the groom's parents, assuming the friends of the bride and groom
would be included in their parents' respective 1/2 of the list.
However the list is divided, it's best to discuss the
parameters before everyone starts making their guest lists to
avoid any misunderstandings or hurt feelings. Hope this
information is helpful. |
|
|
Question:
Destination Weddings - how should we word the invitation and how
are expenses divided for a destination wedding?
My fiance and I are planning to get married and have our honeymoon
on a cruise-ship. We are wondering how we should word the
invitation, and who pays for what? What is the bride's family
responsible for, what is the groom's family responsible for? Do
the guests and wedding party pay for their own accommodations and
travel arrangements? |
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|
Although destination weddings have become very popular, there's no
set rule on who pays for the guests' travel and accommodation
expenses. As for the cost of the wedding and reception aboard the
cruise ship, I would recommend following the usual guidelines
about what the bride's and the groom's family pay for. For
example, the bride and her family usually pay for the invitations,
bride's gown, flowers, photographer, video, music, the reception,
officiant's fee, accommodations of bride's attendants. The groom's
family usually pays for the engagement and wedding rings,
accommodations and boutonnieres for groom's attendants, corsages
for immediate members of both families, officiant's fee or
donation, the marriage license, honeymoon expenses, the cost of
the rehearsal dinner and the bachelor dinner, accommodation
expenses for groom's parents. Remember, these are just guidelines
and you can adjust them to fit your budget.
Usually, guests who are invited to attend a
destination wedding are expected to pay their own travel and
accommodation expenses. But again, there's nothing set in stone
about this. If your budget allows and you wish to help out with
some or all of your guests' expenses, you should feel free to do
so, though I doubt your guests would expect this. |
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|
Question:
Can you invite someone to a shower but not the wedding?
I have a friend who owns a dance studio. She can't invite everyone
to the wedding, some who are thought they would be invited are
not. She doesn't know who to invite to the shower. Does she invite
everyone, or just the people invited to the wedding? How does she
respond? |
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Usually, people who are invited to the bridal shower expect to be
invited to the wedding. If your friend must limit her wedding
invitation list because of budgetary or space/seating limitations,
the bridal shower invitation list should be limited to those
people who are being invited to the wedding. Your friend can
informally spread the word about her budget/space limitations and
I'm sure everyone will understand and not be offended. |
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