One of the oldest and longest standing jokes is that it's all about the dress, namely, making sure the bride looks much, much better than her bridesmaids.  Then there's the line that goes "you'll be able to wear your bridesmaid dress again for cocktail parties and dressy occasions like New Year's."  For the groom and groomsmen the following may sound familiar..."just tell me what to wear and when to show up."  In reality, while there may be some truth to the statements above, today's bridal parties are becoming more involved with the wedding planning process from choosing their attire to planning fun and exciting parties that are an alternative to the traditional bridal showers and bachelor/bachelorette parties.   Here's a look at the traditional roles and responsibilities of the bridal party along with some alternative ideas.  

Choosing the Bridal Party

Choosing your bridal party can be a difficult decision for many couples, especially if you have many close friends and relatives that you would like to have in your party.  Sometimes it can come down to drawing straws.  A couple things to keep in mind when choosing your party:

• The financial obligation of being in your wedding party can be considerable.  Perhaps one of the people you're considering is on a tight budget and would rather be a guest or usher without the added financial obligations?  Couldn't hurt to ask them.
• You do not have to invite someone to be in your bridal party because you were in their wedding party.
• You do not need to have the same number of bridesmaids and groomsmen.   
• You shouldn't feel obligated to include family members - ex. if you have five sisters and are only having three bridesmaids you may just want to include friends instead.
• Is someone that you're considering for your bridal party expecting a child or hoping to start a family soon?  If so, discuss this with the bridal shop so that any dress you order will fit your bridesmaid correctly.  
• General rule of thumb is 1 bridesmaid and groomsman for every 50 guests. Few people adhere to this but if you're having a very small, informal wedding a large bridal is not appropriate and would seem out of place.
• Flower girls & ring bearers are not required. 

Bridal Party Responsibilites

Maid of Honor

The Maid of Honor's main responsibilities are to assist the bride with planning the wedding, provide a bridal shower and help the bride on the day of the wedding.

• Assist the bride with wedding planning including last minute details.
• Organize and plan a bridal shower with the bridesmaids.
• Help the bride with choosing bridesmaid gowns and coordinate the fitting with the bridesmaids.
• Help the bride with her train, veil and dress the day of the wedding.  Alert the bride if her makeup is smudged, etc.
• Greet guests in the receiving line with the bride and groom.
• During the wedding ceremony, hold the bride's bouquet.
• If there is no ringbearer, hold the groom's wedding ring.
• Witness and sign the wedding license, if necessary.
• Pose for pictures with the bride & groom.
• Dance with the best man for the first dance.
• After the reception, assist the bride in changing out of the wedding gown.
• Help bring gifts and any other personal items back to the bride's house after the wedding. 
• Pay for all bridesmaid attire including shoes and hosiery and travel expenses to attend the wedding but not flowers.  Accommodations for the bridesmaids are usually provided by the bride's family.  Traditionally it is expected that each woman will fix her own hair and makeup so any hair and makeup expenses may or my not be covered by the bride's family.  

Best Man

• Plan the bachelor party or alternative outing for the groom.
• Attend bachelor party or alternative party or event to honor the groom.
• Make sure the groom arrives at the church on time.
• The groom will provide the payment for the officiant and the best man gives the payment to the officiant following the ceremony.
• If there is no ring bearer, hold the bride's wedding ring.
• Witness and sign the wedding license, if necessary.
• May be asked to greet guests in the receiving line with the bride and groom.
• Pose for pictures with the bride & groom.
• Dance with the maid of honor for the first dance.
• Gives a toast to the bride and groom.
• After the reception, assist the groom in changing out of formalwear.
• Escort the bride and groom to their limousine when they are ready to leave (or drive the bride and groom to the hotel or airport).
• Help bring gifts and any other personal items back to the bride's house after the wedding. 
• May be asked to return formalwear (some stores now offer pick-up service).
• Pay for formal attire rental and travel to the wedding. Groomsmen accommodations are paid by the groom and his family. 

Bridesmaids

• Assist the bride and maid of honor with wedding planning including last minute details.
• Help the maid of honor plan the bridal shower.
• Pose for pictures with the bride & groom.
• May be asked to greet guests in the receiving line with the bride and groom.
• Pays for all bridesmaid attire including shoes and hosiery and travel expenses to attend the wedding but not flowers.  Accommodations for the bridesmaids are usually provided by the bride's family.  Traditionally it is expected that each woman will fix her own hair and makeup so any hair and makeup expenses may or may not be covered by the bride's family. 

Financial Responsibilities of the Bridal Party

The bridesmaids and maid of honor are expected to pay for their dresses, hosiery and shoes along with their travel expenses to attend the wedding. They are not typically required to pay for hair and makeup or matching jewelry.  If you would like your attendants to wear matching necklaces or to have stylish updos with matching flowers in their hair, this generally becomes the financial responsibility of the bride and her parents.  In some instances, a necklace that each bridesmaid will wear at the wedding may be given as a bridal party gift.  Another option is to discuss your ideas with your bridal party including financial costs.  If you get a great deal on your dresses your bridal party may choose to pay for their own hair and makeup.  The bride's family is also expected to provide accommodations for the bridesmaids and maid of honor.

The groomsmen and best man are expected to pay for their tuxedos, shoe rental, and travel to the wedding. The groom and his family are expected to provide accommodations for the groomsman and best man.  

Asking a Member of the Bridal Party to Step Down

Hopefully having to ask a bridal party member to step down won't happen to you but in some events it does.  In most cases it really isn't appropriate to ask a bridal party member to step down but it can be done.  Here is one question we received from a bride in our Ask Elaine Etiquette Section of the site.

Question: Someone that I had asked to be a bridesmaid has proven to be someone that is causing me stress!  How do I ask this person to step down and tell her that I no longer want her to be a part of this day?

Answer: Your situation truly poses a dilemma and should be handled gingerly. Rather than asking this attendant to step down, I would first try talking with her to explain the additional stress she's causing you. She may not know the stress she's causing and may change her behavior if you tell her what's bothering you. If that doesn't help to clear the air and resolve your differences, you may feel you have no choice but to ask her not to be part of your wedding. However, I would strongly recommend that should be your last resort. Presumably this person is a friend but whether she's a friend or relative, it's almost certainly the end of your relationship if you ask her to step down.

Bridal Shower

The maid of honor usually plans the bridal shower with the help of the bridesmaids.  Typically gifts are household items from toasters to towels and the bride may register for both shower and wedding gifts at one or more stores.  

For couples who have been married before or who have been living on their own for some time (i.e. - they already have cookware, towels, etc) there are some great alternatives.  Christmas Ornament showers are a fun idea.  Instead of getting a cheap ornament each guest at the shower can purchase a unique, pricier ornament that will be a keepsake for years to come.  Other creative ideas include favorite recipe showers or chipping in on a gift card to a home improvement store.

Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties

While bachelor parties are not entirely outdated the traditional ideas of a bachelor party, a night at a risque club, are becoming a bit passé not to mention politically incorrect.  But to be fair, women now have the option of their own bachelorette party complete with hunky Chippendales to dance the night away.  

If risqué parties aren't your style, alternatives to a bachelor party include a "guys night out" at a sports bar, golf outings, white water rafting or a camping weekend.  Alternatives to a bachelorette party can include scrapbooking parties, lingerie parties, a "pamper yourself" party or an evening dinner cruise.   

Some other alternatives include a Jack & Jill Party to replace a bridal shower and bachelor party.  This can be a great idea especially if both the bride and groom have mutual friends.  Getting together with all your friends for a party would probably be a lot more fun and a lot more memorable than watching people you don't know strut and jiggle their so-called "stuff."