In the hit ABC series Lost, one episode featured a flashback scene where Jack, one of the main characters of the show,  couldn’t come up with vows for his wedding.  He questioned whether his inability to be creative meant he didn’t really love his fiancé.  For some, the reaction to that might be – how true – if he can’t come up with the perfect vows maybe he isn’t marriage material.    On the other hand, if you think about it, planning a wedding can be stressful enough without the added pressure of writing the perfect vows and having to recite them in front of all your friends and family. If the pressure of writing your own vows makes you anxious and nervous, another alternative is to customize your wedding ceremony.  Here’s a look at both options.

Deciding whether to write your own vows 

1. Sit down with your partner and decide together if and why you want to write your own vows. Maybe you’re outgoing and your partner is shy…maybe you both like the idea of your own vows but get nervous in front of crowds…talk it out together. 
   
   

2. Decide how long you want your vows to be. (50 words / 100 words, 1 page) so one partner won’t have vows that are one sentence long after the other partner has recited an entire book extolling your merits.
   
   

3. Discuss the elements you like or don’t like from a traditional wedding ceremony. For example, how do you feel about the love, honor and obey line?  Isn’t obey a command for dogs?
   
   

4. Think about other weddings you’ve attended where the bride and groom have written their own vows.  What did you like about your friend’s vows?  Were any totally inappropriate things said? 
   
   

5. Get ideas from the library and the internet.  There are books available on how to write your own vows and many, many internet sites where you can peruse sample vows – even the vows of now divorced celebrities such as Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.  Of course I wouldn’t want to repeat any words that were written by a couple now divorced. 
   
   

6. Don’t buy your vows.  Believe it or not, yes, you can buy vows on the internet so you don’t have to lift a finger.  Getting ideas is one thing, using someone else’s words or buying them????  Come now, doesn’t that defeat the purpose of writing your own vows?  Remember the story of Cyrano de Bergerac?
   
   

7. Plan enough time to write your vows.  Don’t wait until a week before the wedding to decide to write your vows.  Plan enough time so you can reconvene to talk about how your vows are coming along with your partner.  Maybe you give yourself  4 weeks to write vows and meet after two weeks only to find that it’s a lot harder than you thought it would be to write your own vows.
   
   

8. Let it come from the heart -  really,  if it comes from your heart it can’t be wrong.  Of course, there may be a few things from the heart that are better left said in private.
   
   

9. Write it down and say it aloud a few times – After you’ve written  your vows you may want to practice saying them aloud a few times.  This will make you feel less nervous on the altar when the time to actually say them comes along.
   
   

10. Don’t feel guilty if you change your mind about writing your own vows.  Whether you write your own vows or not, the important thing to remember is that writing your own vows is not a measure of your love.  It doesn’t mean you love someone any more than someone who is too nervous to speak in front of crowds.  Sure your own vows would make your ceremony extra special but what is really important is that you’ve found your partner, soul mate & best friend and that you love them so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with them. 

Customizing Your Wedding Ceremony

In addition to writing your own vows, or as an alternative, consider customizing your wedding ceremony.  Both traditional church weddings and more informal ceremonies can be customized to include special readings and music and customized vows that your officiant will recite to you for you to repeat.    If writing your own vows sounds like too much pressure, a customized ceremony may offer the perfect alternative. 

1. Discuss customizing your ceremony with your minister, rabbi, priest or other officiant ahead of time to make sure they are open to customizing the ceremony.
   
   

2. Discuss with your partner what parts of the ceremony you want to change – the vows, readings, musical elements.
   
   

3. Are there special friends or members of your family you want to include in the ceremony?
   
   

4. If you are including children or stepchildren in the ceremony, you may want to include a commitment to the children in your vows, mentioning all children by name.  A family medallion ceremony, in which a piece of jewelry is given to each child, has become popular in recent years.  You can opt for a ring or other special memento to exchange with your children.
   
   

5. If you and your partner are of two separate faiths, consider combining elements of both faiths in your ceremony, even if you’re not having a traditional church wedding.
   
   

6. Ethnic and cultural customs can also be incorporated into your ceremony.  One internet site even offers sample vows for a Native American ceremony. 
   
   

7. Poetry and Special Readings – think about special readings or poems you want to include.  A favorite poem or verse from one of your favorite songs can be incorporated.  You may choose to have a special friend or family member recite a bible passage or other reading.
   
   

8. Musical elements – you may want to have a soloist or acoustic performer for a church or beach ceremony.  In a traditional church wedding, many couples choose to have someone play the organ but harpists, flautists, violinists and guitarists are also popular choices.  If you ask, many musicians are willing to learn a special song for your ceremony.
   
   

9. Instead of writing your own vows you can customize your own vows by changing the wording of a traditional ceremony.  Love, honor and cherish is often substituted for love, honor and obey, but the options are limitless.  You can get additional ideas, of course, from the internet and from books on the topic. Your officiant may also have many great suggestions.
   
   

10. Consider a custom program to complement the theme or tone of your customized ceremony. Invitation stores and office supply stores often have kits you can purchase that allow you to print your own programs using your computer.  For finishing touches you can complement the program with a pretty ribbon to match the color of your gown or the bridesmaid gowns. 

Of course, these are just a few ideas and suggestions for creating a wedding ceremony that fits your style and personality.  And no matter what type of ceremony you do choose, words alone (and promises to take the garbage out every week) can not make a commitment any stronger.  After all, vows have been broken before.   What truly matters is not the vows, but your love and commitment to your partner, regardless of whether they remember to put the garbage out or not.