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In
the hit ABC series Lost, one episode featured a flashback
scene where Jack, one of the main characters of the show, couldn’t come up
with vows for his wedding.
He questioned whether his inability to be creative meant
he didn’t really love his fiancé.
For some, the reaction to that might be – how true –
if he can’t come up with the perfect vows maybe he isn’t
marriage material.
On the other hand, if you think about it, planning a
wedding can be stressful enough without the added pressure of
writing the perfect vows and having to recite them in front of
all your friends and family. If the pressure of writing your own
vows makes you anxious and nervous, another alternative is to
customize your wedding ceremony.
Here’s a look at both options.
Deciding
whether to write your own vows
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Sit
down with your partner and decide together if and why
you want to write your own vows. Maybe you’re outgoing
and your partner is shy…maybe you both like the idea of
your own vows but get nervous in front of crowds…talk it
out together.
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Decide
how long you want your vows to be. (50 words / 100
words, 1 page) so one partner won’t have vows that are one
sentence long after the other partner has recited an entire
book extolling your merits.
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Discuss
the elements you like or don’t like from a traditional
wedding ceremony. For example, how do you feel about the
love, honor and obey line?
Isn’t obey a command for dogs?
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Think
about other weddings you’ve attended where the bride and
groom have written their own vows.
What did you like about your friend’s vows?
Were any totally inappropriate things said?
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Get
ideas from the library and the internet. There are books available on how to write your own vows
and many, many internet sites where you can peruse sample
vows – even the vows of now divorced celebrities such as
Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.
Of course I wouldn’t want to repeat any words that
were written by a couple now divorced.
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Don’t
buy your vows. Believe
it or not, yes, you can buy vows on the internet so you
don’t have to lift a finger.
Getting ideas is one thing, using someone else’s
words or buying them????
Come now, doesn’t that defeat the purpose of
writing your own vows?
Remember the story of Cyrano de Bergerac?
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Plan
enough time to write your vows.
Don’t wait until a week before the wedding to
decide to write your vows.
Plan enough time so you can reconvene to talk about
how your vows are coming along with your partner.
Maybe you give yourself
4 weeks to write vows and meet after two weeks only
to find that it’s a lot harder than you thought it would
be to write your own vows.
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Let
it come from the heart -
really, if
it comes from your heart it can’t be wrong.
Of course, there may be a few things from the heart
that are better left said in private.
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Write
it down and say it aloud a few times – After you’ve
written your
vows you may want to practice saying them aloud a few times.
This will make you feel less nervous on the altar
when the time to actually say them comes along.
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Don’t
feel guilty if you change your mind about writing your own
vows. Whether
you write your own vows or not, the important thing to
remember is that writing your own vows is not a measure of
your love. It
doesn’t mean you love someone any more than someone who is
too nervous to speak in front of crowds.
Sure your own vows would make your ceremony extra
special but what is really important is that you’ve found
your partner, soul mate & best friend and that you love
them so much that you want to spend the rest of your life
with them.
Customizing
Your Wedding Ceremony
In
addition to writing your own vows, or as an alternative,
consider customizing your wedding ceremony.
Both traditional church weddings and more informal
ceremonies can be customized to include special readings and
music and customized vows that your officiant will recite to you
for you to repeat. If writing your own vows sounds like too much
pressure, a customized ceremony may offer the perfect
alternative.
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Discuss
customizing your ceremony with your minister, rabbi,
priest or other officiant ahead of time to make sure
they are open to customizing the ceremony.
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Discuss
with your partner what parts of the ceremony you want to
change – the vows, readings, musical elements.
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Are
there special friends or members of your family you want to
include in the ceremony?
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If
you are including children or stepchildren in the ceremony,
you may want to include a commitment to the children in your
vows, mentioning all children by name.
A family medallion ceremony, in which a piece of
jewelry is given to each child, has become popular in recent
years. You can
opt for a ring or other special memento to exchange with
your children.
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If
you and your partner are of two separate faiths, consider
combining elements of both faiths in your ceremony, even
if you’re not having a traditional church wedding.
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Ethnic
and cultural customs can also be incorporated into your
ceremony. One
internet site even offers sample vows for a Native American
ceremony.
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Poetry
and Special Readings – think about special readings or
poems you want to include.
A favorite poem or verse from one of your favorite
songs can be incorporated.
You may choose to have a special friend or family
member recite a bible passage or other reading.
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Musical
elements – you may want to have a soloist or acoustic
performer for a church or beach ceremony.
In a traditional church wedding, many couples choose
to have someone play the organ but harpists, flautists,
violinists and guitarists are also popular choices.
If you ask, many musicians are willing to learn a
special song for your ceremony.
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Instead
of writing your own vows you can customize your own vows
by changing the wording of a traditional ceremony. Love, honor and cherish is often substituted for love,
honor and obey, but the options are limitless.
You can get additional ideas, of course, from the
internet and from books on the topic. Your officiant may
also have many great suggestions.
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Consider
a custom program to complement the theme or tone of your
customized ceremony. Invitation stores and office supply
stores often have kits you can purchase that allow you to
print your own programs using your computer. For finishing touches you can complement the program
with a pretty ribbon to match the color of your gown or the
bridesmaid gowns.
Of
course, these are just a few ideas and suggestions for creating
a wedding ceremony that fits your style and personality.
And no matter what type of ceremony you do choose, words
alone (and promises to take the garbage out every week) can not
make a commitment any stronger.
After all, vows have been broken before.
What truly matters is not the vows, but your love and
commitment to your partner, regardless of whether they remember
to put the garbage out or not. |