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In
the hit ABC series Lost , a recent episode featured a flashback scene
where one of the main characters, Jack, couldn’t come up with vows for
his wedding. He questioned
whether his inability to be creative meant he didn’t really love his
fiancé. For some, the
reaction to that might be – how true – if he can’t come up with
the perfect vows maybe he isn’t marriage material.
On the other hand, if you think about it, planning a wedding can
be stressful enough without the added pressure of writing the perfect
vows and having to recite them in front of all your friends and family.
If the pressure of writing your own vows makes you anxious and nervous,
another alternative is to customize your wedding ceremony.
Here’s a look at both options.
Deciding
whether to write your own vows
- Sit
down with your partner and decide together if and why
you want to write your own vows. Maybe you’re outgoing and
your partner is shy…maybe you both like the idea of your own vows
but get nervous in front of crowds…talk it out together.
- Decide
how long you want your vows to be. (50 words / 100 words, 1
page) so one partner won’t have vows that are one sentence long
after the other partner has recited an entire book extolling your
merits.
- Discuss
the elements you like or don’t like from a traditional wedding
ceremony. For example, how do you feel about the love, honor and
obey line? Isn’t obey
a command for dogs?
- Think
about other weddings you’ve attended where the bride and groom
have written their own vows.
What did you like about your friend’s vows?
Were any totally inappropriate things said?
- Get
ideas from the library and the internet. There are books available on how to write your own vows
and many, many internet sites where you can peruse sample vows –
even the vows of now divorced celebrities such as Lyle Lovett and
Julia Roberts. Of
course I wouldn’t want to repeat any words that were written by a
couple now divorced.
- Don’t
buy your vows. Believe
it or not, yes, you can buy vows on the internet so you don’t have
to lift a finger. Getting
ideas is one thing, using someone else’s words or buying them????
Come now, doesn’t that defeat the purpose of writing your
own vows? Remember the
story of Cyrano de Bergerac?
- Plan
enough time to write your vows.
Don’t wait until a week before the wedding to decide to
write your vows. Plan
enough time so you can reconvene to talk about how your vows are
coming along with your partner.
Maybe you give yourself
4 weeks to write vows and meet after two weeks only to find
that it’s a lot harder than you thought it would be to write your
own vows.
- Let
it come from the heart - really,
if it comes from your heart it can’t be wrong.
Of course, there may be a few things from the heart that are
better left said in private.
- Write
it down and say it aloud a few times – After you’ve written
your vows you may want to practice saying them aloud a few
times. This will make
you feel less nervous on the altar when the time to actually say
them comes along.
- Don’t
feel guilty if you change your mind about writing your own vows.
Whether you write your own vows or not, the important thing
to remember is that writing your own vows is not a measure of your
love. It doesn’t mean
you love someone any more than someone who is too nervous to speak
in front of crowds. Sure
your own vows would make your ceremony extra special but what is
really important is that you’ve found your partner, soul mate
& best friend and that you love them so much that you want to
spend the rest of your life with them.
Customizing
Your Wedding Ceremony
In
addition to writing your own vows, or as an alternative, consider
customizing your wedding ceremony.
Both traditional church weddings and more informal ceremonies can
be customized to include special readings and music and customized vows
that your officiant will recite to you for you to repeat. If writing your own vows sounds like too much
pressure, a customized ceremony may offer the perfect alternative.
- Discuss
customizing your ceremony with your minister, rabbi, priest or
other officiant ahead of time to make sure they are open to
customizing the ceremony.
- Discuss
with your partner what parts of the ceremony you want to change
– the vows, readings, musical elements.
- Are
there special friends or members of your family you want to include
in the ceremony?
- If
you are including children or stepchildren in the ceremony, you
may want to include a commitment to the children in your vows,
mentioning all children by name.
A family medallion ceremony, in which a piece of jewelry is
given to each child, has become popular in recent years.
You can opt for a ring or other special memento to exchange
with your children.
- If
you and your partner are of two separate faiths, consider combining
elements of both faiths in your ceremony, even if you’re not
having a traditional church wedding.
- Ethnic
and cultural customs can also be incorporated into your
ceremony. One internet
site even offers sample vows for a Native American ceremony.
- Poetry
and Special Readings – think about special readings or poems
you want to include. A
favorite poem or verse from one of your favorite songs can be
incorporated. You may
choose to have a special friend or family member recite a bible
passage or other reading.
- Musical
elements – you may want to have a soloist or acoustic
performer for a church or beach ceremony.
In a traditional church wedding, many couples choose to have
someone play the organ but harpists, flautists, violinists and
guitarists are also popular choices.
If you ask, many musicians are willing to learn a special
song for your ceremony.
- Instead
of writing your own vows you can customize your own vows by
changing the wording of a traditional ceremony. Love, honor and cherish is often substituted for love,
honor and obey, but the options are limitless.
You can get additional ideas, of course, from the internet
and from books on the topic. Your officiant may also have many great
suggestions.
- Consider
a custom program to complement the theme or tone of your customized
ceremony. Invitation stores and office supply stores often have
kits you can purchase that allow you to print your own programs
using your computer. For finishing touches you can complement the program
with a pretty ribbon to match the color of your gown or the
bridesmaid gowns.
Of
course, these are just a few ideas and suggestions for creating a
wedding ceremony that fits your style and personality.
And no matter what type of ceremony you do choose, words alone
(and promises to take the garbage out every week) can not make a
commitment any stronger. After
all, vows have been broken before.
What truly matters is not the vows, but your love and commitment
to your partner, regardless of whether they remember to put the garbage
out or not. |
